I don't let the dmv know what my actual weight is

Picture by Bigc Studio on Vecteezy

Dear me,

I don't know if it's something in my neurodivergent brain or self-denial, but I don't let people (other than two people) know what my actual weight is. It's not even something to be ashamed of. However, after hearing so many comments of praise on how skinny I am and how it's the perfect amount that triggered something in my brain. Even though I am very much aware that I have been trying to gain weight my whole life. Now, I'm at a weight I am perfectly comfortable with.

However, that did not stop me from going through a bit of disordered eating like not eating enough meals or technically not getting enough calories for the day causing me to feel a bit dizzy and get headaches. It was bad after graduating from university because I ended up going through intermittent fasting even though that was not good for my body at all. There was also overeating at other points in my life, which did not feel good either. It did not help that my immigrant parents also engrained into my mind the don't waste your food mentality (there was never enough food for all five of us.) That and witnessing my sisters go through their own problems with food and dieting and the need to look beautiful, again that triggered something in me.

Now, I'm at a healthy BMI (I am still very much aware that has its own problems); and I am learning that it is okay to not eat everything on my plate (it's okay to save it for next time.) Sure, my three custom-made áo dài feel a bit tight, but they have served me very well at all of these fun events. Plus, I can't say no to a new áo dài. Also, I am aware that diet culture is toxic as fuck, and that you shouldn't deny yourself what your body wants. Instead, add to it to make it more nutritious in a way. Eat the ice cream, add fruit to it though, and nuts and honey and other healthy stuff. Eat the cookie, just add Greek yogurt, honey, and other nutrient-dense foods to it. Like life shouldn't be about losing weight and being skinny as fuck and denying yourself the fun things in life. That's just being miserable.

And it's miserable too that I can't admit to others what my actual weight is. I can't let myself be what everyone expects me to be. I just have to prove to myself that I am just myself.

And now the weather:

2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) by Lizzo

~ Stacy N.