On being lost (and other miscellaneous thoughts)

Photo by Sebastien Gabriel
I feel like barfing all the time.
I'm super stressed and I  honestly don't know what to do with my life. Graduation is coming up, and I know that it's fine to not have a job lined right up afterward, but somehow that feels like a failure to me. And I know I should reframe my thinking about that, especially after talking with so many friends and family members who were in the same boat as me, and didn't have a job right after college. They all told me that it's fine to wait and figure out what to do; but, then I keep on hearing other stories that sometimes you just never know what to do, even when you're 40-years-old and doing what you think you love.

That sense of being lost has been stuck with me forever. And I don't know what to do with it, and I don't think I ever will. People talk about finding their purpose in life like it's a casual easy thing to do. It isn't. It honestly isn't.

To be honest, I went into my English major because it was just something to do. I enjoyed reading and writing and thinking about things in a new way. And I knew for sure that I would never be happy if I did engineering or something in the medical field. And then as I went further into English, I realized that I also liked learning more about the behind-the-scenes stuff of how a story gets published. That made me realize, hey I want to go into the publishing field. However, I don't know where I want to start in, despite some of the obvious choices that are right in front of me.

There are also so many doubts, and a quiet realization of fuck I'm fucking scared.

I know I could have been the "good" Asian American who follows her parent's dreams and wishes. One who could have been a good doctor (minus the constant fear and wanting to barf if I mess up some how some way.) I could have continued staying quiet and not gotten a tattoo and not learn more about social justice and what it means to be Asian American and in general human and all the consequences (both good and bad) that come with it. But then I wouldn't be the same me sitting at her laptop writing all of this down. I would have been someone completely different, probably someone more sad and robotic and well boring.

And that is not someone I want to become.

And now the weather:
Don't Disappoint Me by Ruth B.
~ Stacy N.
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Thoughts I have while walking my dog

Photo by Tabitha Mort
  • Don't eat/bite that!
  • Slow down
  • Why are dogs attracted to phallic things?
  • Yay, a pokemon!
  • Darn it, I ran out of pokeballs again
  • Yay, an egg finally hatched. 
  • Oh, that's nice
  • Stop being mean to the guys
  • How much territory are you trying to mark?
  • You're weird
  • I know you want to hang out with the other dog, but you can't because they're behind a fence and you're not.
  • Yay, another pokemon!
  • Dogs are weird creatures.
  • I have a weird dog.
  • Stop tugging at your leash.
  • You know your puppy eyes don't work on me.
  • Come on, I don't have all day for you to sniff that.
  • Not again.
  • Hold on, let me catch this pokemon.
And now the weather:
Nobody ft Jade Novah & Cynthia Erivo (from Forbidden)
~ Stacy N.
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Photo by Anggoro Sakti
Her brightness first started in her heart before spreading up to her fingers and then out into the world, touching everyone who needed a bit of color in their life.

And now the weather:
Colour by MNEK
~ Stacy N.
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Photo by Christina Morillo
You can't just denounce someone as a hero, it just means that they're not a hero to you because they don't fit with your own personal values. A hero is different for everybody, and there could be more than one. And that's what a lot of people (especially on my Facebook feed) seem to forget because they're busy undermining someone's value because it doesn't fit with what they personally believe in.

So my message to you is that just because they're not your hero personally, doesn't mean that they're not a hero to someone else.

And now the weather:
Confident by Demi Lovato
~ Stacy N.
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Heading back into it... kind of

Photo by Alex Robert
I didn't realize how many things changed til I came back to it. For example, whenever I read YA literature, I can't help but see the teenagers as kids because that's exactly what they are. Kids who suffer and must overcome their suffering in some way or learn to deal with it like any other character in literature. After all, that's what makes stories, stories.
As mentioned before in a previous post, I'm starting to get back into my old hobbies, writing creatively being one of them. However, throughout the years, the only way I could write creatively is either through being really inspired, it depends on my grade, or if there's a challenge. Since it's summer that challenge happens to be Camp Nanowrimo. It's like the regular National Novel Writing Month challenge in November. However, I didn't realize until this year that you can set your own word count goal or that it was in July. The last time I've done the summer challenge was back when I was in high school, so approximately fours ago.
So in the middle of the night, I've decided to get back into it. I don't have much of a plan, which makes it all the more fun. All I know so far is that it's going to be a bunch of short stories based on a bunch of writing prompts that I've collected throughout the years on tumblr and that it's going to be in this fantasy world that I've created way back when I was a weird/random jr. high schooler. And just saying that makes me feel old.
However, it will be a good way to start writing again. Hopefully, this will help me build more dedication and a motivation to start writing again on my own once the month is over, without any challenges or grades looming over my shoulder.

And now the weather:
Get Your Life by Caught a Ghost
~ Stacy N.
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