Reminding myself to rest

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I feel like a dandelion whose puffs are floating through the air and landing on so many different things. Have I stretched myself too thin sometimes? Yes. But for the moment, I do not mind it. (I will grow back.)

And now the weather:

Still into You by Paramore

~ Stacy N.

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There's a fuzzy spiral in my mind...

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... And I don't know if I can ever control it even with all of the resources that are at my fingertips. Sometimes I just want to rest forever rather than deal with it. However, there is still so much to life that I want to explore. Especially with you. ❤️

And now the weather:

Cupid (TwinVer.) by FIFTY FIFTY

~ Stacy N.

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I don't let the dmv know what my actual weight is

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Dear me,

I don't know if it's something in my neurodivergent brain or self-denial, but I don't let people (other than two people) know what my actual weight is. It's not even something to be ashamed of. However, after hearing so many comments of praise on how skinny I am and how it's the perfect amount that triggered something in my brain. Even though I am very much aware that I have been trying to gain weight my whole life. Now, I'm at a weight I am perfectly comfortable with.

However, that did not stop me from going through a bit of disordered eating like not eating enough meals or technically not getting enough calories for the day causing me to feel a bit dizzy and get headaches. It was bad after graduating from university because I ended up going through intermittent fasting even though that was not good for my body at all. There was also overeating at other points in my life, which did not feel good either. It did not help that my immigrant parents also engrained into my mind the don't waste your food mentality (there was never enough food for all five of us.) That and witnessing my sisters go through their own problems with food and dieting and the need to look beautiful, again that triggered something in me.

Now, I'm at a healthy BMI (I am still very much aware that has its own problems); and I am learning that it is okay to not eat everything on my plate (it's okay to save it for next time.) Sure, my three custom-made áo dài feel a bit tight, but they have served me very well at all of these fun events. Plus, I can't say no to a new áo dài. Also, I am aware that diet culture is toxic as fuck, and that you shouldn't deny yourself what your body wants. Instead, add to it to make it more nutritious in a way. Eat the ice cream, add fruit to it though, and nuts and honey and other healthy stuff. Eat the cookie, just add Greek yogurt, honey, and other nutrient-dense foods to it. Like life shouldn't be about losing weight and being skinny as fuck and denying yourself the fun things in life. That's just being miserable.

And it's miserable too that I can't admit to others what my actual weight is. I can't let myself be what everyone expects me to be. I just have to prove to myself that I am just myself.

And now the weather:

2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) by Lizzo

~ Stacy N.

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My book habits make the most uptight bookreaders cringe

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 One day a "friend" made a Facebook post that was indirectly related to my books. It was about if you have a book series, it should either be all in hardcovers or all in paperbacks, there should be no mixing of any kind. For me, I don't give a fuck. As long as I have all of the books in the series, I'm happy. It will all be read anyways.

Other things I do that piss off those who gatekeep the book community, I write in my own books. Never a library book or books that I'm borrowing from people because I am very much aware that they're not mine. I dogear pages that stand out to me. I leave washi tape/sticky notes everywhere in my hardcovers (I still cannot write in a hardcover to this day, that is my limit.)

I'm not going to tell other readers what they can or cannot do and do the whole gatekeeping and uppity-tight thing. And I'm a bookseller for a living so that lends itself to some credibility. However, I do have to tell other readers that if they have not paid for a book, please don't write in it, spill your drink in it, dogear it, bend it really far back, and other words ruin it because it is not your book. (That is when I do have to do the whole gatekeeping and be uppity tight because I have a business to run still.)

All in all though, if it's your own personal book do whatever you want with it. In the end, it's a private conversation between you and the story and I am not going to interrupt that. If it makes you super duper happy to get multiple editions of the same book, go right on ahead. Again that is between you and the story. If you don't care about mixing your book series with all kinds of formats, go right on ahead because again that is between you and the story. I don't care about the reason at all. I don't care if all you listen to is just audiobooks. I don't care if you go with one e-reader over another. I don't care where you get your books (most of the time.) I just care that you enjoy reading and that you're willing to nerd over it with other book dragons.

And it's also a beautiful thing to see people be deeply affected by storytelling in their own way.

And now the weather: 

Bi Wife Energy by Cringe and the Lizards

~ Stacy N.

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Past me freaking out

 

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Dear future me,

I've graduated, and I'm still freaking out, stressed, and feeling so lost about what to do next. Whatever, I end up doing not only affects me but everyone else around me. However, a part of me is feeling kind of glad that I am not the only one going through this at least. And that no matter what happens, I will still have a support system that hopefully won't fall through anytime soon.

Dear past me,

Everything ended up alright. And you know what, fuck those who ever doubted me (even if one of them is past me.) I still love you, you got this, just breathe.

 

Sincerely,

present me

 

And now the weather:
Hundred by Khalid

~ Stacy N.

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