I'm getting older

Picture by cottonbro on Pexels.

Dear me, 

I started investing a bit more time and money into my skincare routine. And I cannot tell if that relates to a fear of getting older or technically looking older. A fear that I never really had nor cared for even though it's one that society pushes onto everyone, well technically more women. A fear I am willing to overcome. After all, there is nothing wrong with wrinkles or fine lines or laugh lines or crow's feet or whatever. Though, I still freak out a bit whenever I get a strand of gray hair. Though that is pretty rare and it probably has more to do with stress than anything. (The melanin in my hair is weird.)

 

I also miss estrogen in a way. Back when I was taking birth control pills, my body started getting more estrogen and progestin. And the estrogen really helped clear my skin. However, the catch was my mood was all over the place. Mostly negative, even more so when I got my period. And I didn't want that anymore, so I switched to a different birth control where it's just progestin. My mood became a lot calmer, but my skin started breaking out more, unfortunately. So, this is where I'm at. Investing a bit more time and money into my skincare routine in the hopes that the pimples on my skin don't irritate me as much. All the while trying to ignore the smug ass voices in my head of my siblings being right. (Intense eye roll.)

 

And now the weather:

The picture isn't me or anyone else whom I know.

October Sky by Yebba

~ Stacy N.

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Marriage isn't for everyone

Photo by Ben Rosett on StockSnap

 

Dear me,

 

Marriage isn't for everyone. It just isn't for me. And honestly, I felt so much relief when I discovered that part about myself this year. It started with reading an essay by Jia Tolentino in her book Trick Mirror where she talks about the delusions of marriage or more specifically about the wedding industry. But in it, she also talks about how she discovers that marriage isn't for her, ironically while she was at a friend's wedding. However, she always felt married to her partner. And she doesn't need a paper to define that. 

I don't need a paper to define my relationship with my partner either. Nor social media posts gushing about how sweet and amazing he is. (Let's face it, he is annoying, but he cares a lot, and his heart is in the right place. Also, he does admit that he is annoying. And I am annoying too, so it works out.) Plus, I never actually dreamed of marriage or having a partner beside me for the rest of my life. However, when my partner came into my life, I knew I wanted us to grow together and see where this road takes us. Hopefully to old age, but if not, that's fine too and it was a pleasure to have been by his side for as long as life takes us.

One thing that annoyed me though, is the fact that as soon as my partner and I started dating, everyone wanted to know when we were getting married next, especially our families. And that pressure got to my head, and honestly, it made me anxious because it's supposed to be the next thing that we have to do. Even though I really did not want that. I just did not know how to say no to them. I still do not know how to say no honestly. But it does feel nice to make a choice that fits us. And just us.

 

And now the weather:

Grow As We Go by Ben Platt

~ Stacy N.

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I'm still fucking afraid of therapy

Dear me #2,

I know I have been telling people that I am in the process of finding a therapist because of mainly family shit, to be honest, but also some relationship shit too. I am writing this in a fucking flat face because I still am in a bit of denial about that. I got books, I started journaling, I am more aware of therapy itself as a business, I have a whole fucking list of therapists to contact and questions to ask too. But no matter what, there is still a barrier in my head.

And I think part of it is the financial part. The part I am afraid to ask my insurance about. Like I know I should check out my employee assistance program that my work offers to me for fucking free. But I feel like that won't be enough for all of this complicated shit that constantly swirls in and out of my head. Shit, that isn't just depression (still a maybe do I or do I not have it?) or ADHD. Two things I know for sure I need to get checked out on.

And I know I should be reading my books some more instead of distracting myself with my phone (a bad habit of mine still), but it's hard. No matter what, a part of me just wants to shut off my brain, and mindlessly scrolling through my phone does that. And you got to admit, it is kind of a nice way to decompress especially after a long ass day of work.

But what is the point of telling people when I cannot even hold myself accountable?

As a person told me, finding a therapist for the first time is one of the scariest things to do. But it is definitely worth it.

And I know you will do fine, and that you got this. You really do.

Photo by Finn on Unsplash

~ Stacy N.

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Dear me #1

Dear me #1,

I have decided to start a letter series on this blog (like right at this moment.) I know it's a weird way to come back to blogging. And honestly, I'm not sure it will even last, but you know what, at least it's something. And I'm doing it more for me. If people want to read in on it, they are more than welcome to do so. Of course, I will still have my little journal of private thoughts that I will still write in every single day/night (more night, to be honest.) But yeah, I think this will be nice to get into again. And I know I constantly say this every time I get back on this blog (or try to get back into it), but I do miss blogging. I miss sharing my thoughts with the world. It's also nice to receive some kind of affirmation from people about how my words have affected them in some way. Also, I feel like a Devi right now from the Netflix show Never Have I Ever. Except I am not a high schooler, and I have some more life experience at this point in my life. 

I also decided not to really post anything on my social media feeds*, mainly Facebook because it feels so personal. Like a lot of people I know will probably comment on it, and I don't know if I can face talking about it with them again. I don't know why, but it always made me feel a bit awkward when people I know talk about my blog. Though I do understand it is cause they want to connect with me on that front. But, I don't know, it always made me feel so vulnerable. And I know that vulnerability isn't a weakness, but it's still taking me a while to really fully acknowledge that and try to learn otherwise. 

It's quite funny because it has not always been that way actually. I remember when I was younger, back in jr. high and high school, I was quite excited to get my blog out there and share it with people I know. And then, trauma happened, and I started to pull back on this site, especially when I reached university. I wanted to distract myself in a way, but also connect with people whom I never thought I would have connected with. Anyway, a lot has happened in the eleven years which I've had this blog. There was a long ass hiatus, and covid was a struggle. I moved to a different state. The ever-constant realization that I need to get help via a therapist is becoming more transparent by the day. (More on that in a different letter.) Adulting, just adulting. 

Anyway, to get back to the point. I'm going to post more letters, and yeah, let's see where this will go, shall we?

*It might automatically post for my Twitter if I remember correctly.

Taken at the Seattle Asian Art Museum. 

~ Stacy N.

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