Letters part 7

Picture by Pham Khoai

Dear people in general,

You are not entitled to my time, body, or general self just because you’ve done something nice for me, follow me on any of my social media accounts, and/or are one of my friends. And I’m not entitled to you whenever I do something nice for you. So please, especially those “friend-zoned” guys out there, let go of the idea that just because you’re a decent human being you automatically think the world owes you something. It doesn’t. And if you do think that way, you’re not a decent human being at all, but a manipulative one who doesn’t understand the basic concept of human respect.

And now the weather: 

Fire by BTS

Content warning: there are some quick, flashing lights around the 2:54 mark, 3:24 - 4:22 ish mark; as well as fire and explosions. 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Signs that pointed to my asexuality

source

While watching this youtube video about asexuality that got me thinking about my past and how different it was from a non-asexual person. For those of you who don’t know, asexuality is a lack of a sexuality. It’s one where the person doesn’t feel a sexual attraction. Of course, there are variations of asexuality like demi-asexual, where the person only feels sexual attraction once they formed a strong emotional bond with someone; and grey-asexual, whose definition differs for each grey-asexual person.

Now I’m going off course, but what I want to add before I go back to my main topic is that yes asexuality is an actual  sexuality (or technically lack of one) and yes it is important to showcase more asexuals in media and everywhere else to show that it is normal to be one in this sex-crazed part of the world.

And now onto the signs that pointed towards my asexuality:

• If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know by now that my crushes usually go away pretty quickly. However, now that I think about it, I think I only liked them because they were aesthetically pleasing to look at.
• There were only about two moments in my life when I just “clicked” with someone. When I knew for sure that I wanted to be in some kind of romantic relationship with them. Honestly, I’m not sure what that means. Am I really that choosy; does no one really interest me that much; etc.?
• Whenever friends (especially during those Jr. High school years) asked me who I was crushing on, I would usually lie and say a random classmate’s name. And then I would force myself to like them in that romantic sense so I couldn’t be seen as a liar. And it sucked. Honestly, I felt kind of hollow and fake because I knew for sure that wasn’t what I was actually feeling.
• I’ve only had about two sex dreams in my life. And all I saw was myself doing the act but never getting an orgasm. Plus, they never lasted for long, only a couple of minutes or so. And I know that people (guys, girls, and those in between) my age were having more sex dreams than that.
• Back in 8th grade, my friend said that when a person pulls one of their fingers back, the painful sound they made was what they would also make when they’re having sex. When she pushed my finger back all I said was, “ow” in an anti-climactic way.
• When friends tell me their dreams of who they made out with, I could never relate to them because I never got those dreams.
• Whenever I read posts on tumblr or facebook about being horny, especially when you’re on your period, again I could never relate because I never felt that. Yes, I’ve wanted to kiss certain people but never to the point where I wanted to have sex with them.
• When I was with my last ex, I felt like I wasn’t ever enough because I couldn’t give them what they wanted which was ultimately sex. It was never in my best interest and thankfully they respected that.
• I’ve never felt the urge to join the crowd and have sex with anyone at all, especially during my high school years. Mainly because I live in Utah so the schools were predominately Mormon and I usually hung out with Mormon people. And again, I’m also pretty asexual.
• It was always weird watching people have sex in movies and TV shows or when I was reading studies about sex. I could never relate to them because they seemed like this other in my mind. An other that is predominately the norm in the United States.
• Whenever I read sex scenes in books, I would always put the book down before going back to it later (by then with some force on my part because I wanted to get the whole thing over with.)

Eventually, it clicked that I was asexual when I saw some tumblr posts about it and how it almost perfectly described me. That was when I realized that I wasn't "normal" in the eyes of the world because I don't want or even need to talk about sex, let alone have it. And honestly, I feel better knowing that. During my discovery process, I realized that I'm not alone and that it is completely normal to be asexual. And honestly, you're not broken because of that.

And now the weather:

"Bolt" by Formula Arts

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Letters part 6

source

Dear ex,
Please get out of my mind.

And now the weather:
HECK NO by Ingrid Michaelson DISNEY version by Evynne Hollens

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What is this place?

source

It started at dawn. That was when the angel or demon figure came down or up and started screaming or singing. That was when I knew that I wasn’t a believer. That was also when I died. 

By now I should be giving you my whole life story. When I was born, what my childhood was like, what led up to me seeing that angel or demon or whatever but that is going to take too long. So I’m going to hold up on the exposition, possibly infinitely and just go straight to what happened after I died.  

It was strangely neither dark or light but just an infinite greyness. There were no clouds but strange shapes consisting of sharp edges. And everything was moving. Me and it. It being I don’t even know. There was both nothing to do and everything to do. Everything that you could think of happened but it always came with some terrible consequence. Unlimited candy, ultimate diarrhea. Any book to read, including the ones not thought of, a depression that lasts for what seems like a lifetime when you’re finished with the book. A feeling that you’re always loved an intense self-hate.  

It was wonderful and terrible.  

A kid’s best dream, an adult’s worst nightmare.  

A heaven and a hell.  

By now, I should tell you how much I regret dying and wishing about being back on earth. But I can’t. It’s hard to feel your own emotions in this place. The ones that are not fabricated and controlled by it. It’s also becoming harder to be me. Whoever me is.  

Was there ever a me? Or was I always controlled by it? Was I always it? 

Who knows.  

Who cares.  

Certainly I don’t in this stupid, grey space. 

And now the weather:

Heathens by twenty one pilots 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

He will never be my president (thoughts about this year's presidential election)

Snapped by Ryan McGuire under keyword America

Note: There is strong language ahead.

1 AM, I work on my Vietnamese homework while listening to NBC's coverage of the election. Trump won, with glassy eyes, I continue writing.  

Honestly, I'm fucking angry and sad and scared. Angry that he ended up winning despite all his xenophobic, racist anti-LGBTQIAP+, sexist, and overall offensive campaign. Sad that America has come to this and how all the progress Obama has made in the past eight years might be washed away. And sad that no matter what, America will still be stubbornly made for white people. And scared of what will happen next. But honestly, it's not fucking surprising because of how often the media talks about him. Since his name was everywhere, it makes sense that more people remembered his name more than Hillary. And one of the reasons why people vote for a candidate is because they recognize the name. But still fucking Trump? The guy who wants to build a wall along the Mexican border; said grab them by the pussy; wants to get rid of the affordable healthcare act with something "better"; doesn’t want Muslims from entering the country; deport all undocumented immigrants aka undocumented people of color; and more? Versus someone who actually has a plan and is more than qualified to become president.

7 PM election night, a coworker asks me, if I had the money, would I go to Canada. Oh, the hypocrisy here. So, it's okay for us Americans to flee to another country to escape a Trump presidency but not Syrian refugees who are also escaping from a bad government? I said no. I would stay. Past me would have said yes, but I already invested too much into this country. Plus, I would rather try to actively get involved and try to make the US a little bit better, whether it's protesting or donating as much as I can. And despite all its flaws, the United States is home.

Snapped by Ryan Pouncy

On my Facebook feed, the ones who are posting that it's just an election, it will all be fine, just suck it up, or I don’t care are white people. Meanwhile, most of my minority friends are scared, offering support, and trying to cope with the fact that we will have to live in a Trump presidency. Especially since we're the ones who have to deal with it the most. While my white friends have their white privilege protecting them. They also don’t have to deal with racism (and no, fucking reverse racism doesn’t exist), unlike the rest of us. And most of them don’t have to worry much when it comes to surviving the next four years or worry much about if Trump will actually deport almost every undocumented immigrant.

And yes, it’s true that the president doesn’t have much power because they’re kept in check by both Congress and the Supreme Court, but that doesn’t mean that the president doesn’t have some influence over what Congress can do. And since Trump is Republican he holds a lot of influence over the (still) predominately Republican Congress. Which will be hard for those of us who are trying to get America to become more progressive.

Good luck everyone, try to be safe, actively fight for what you believe in, and try to survive the next four years. And just know that you are loved. Also, there's a great resource list by everyday feminism about self-care, systematic oppression, and protests, and just generally trying to understand what has happened. 

And now the weather:

Hillary Clinton’s Concession Speech 2016

I still refuse to have Trump as my president, but at least Hillary is trying to make the best out of a dark situation.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Asexuality

A great video that talks about asexuality, the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, the romantic attraction spectrum, and more.

~ Stacy N.

Read More