Letters part 10 [still year 2 of college thoughts]

Picture by Takmeomeo

Note: I had to rewrite letter 8 three times before settling into something that I liked and not so embarrassing.

Dear person I still kind of like,
I could say screw you for ruining my plans for staying single forever, but I’m not because that plan could still be on the table. Instead, I want to say this. Even though it may not look like it, I am writing this around 12:40 AM, the time when my tired brain isn’t in the mood to put up its usual defenses when it comes to thinking about you. But, it never put up any defenses against you in the first place, except for the few times when I need to focus like when I’m at work or doing schoolwork.

Around this time, I start listening to cheesy love songs, preferably by Asian American youtubers (representation matters y’all, plus, I find it comforting). And then come the questions. The uneasy ones, the ones that I always find myself asking. Do I like you for you or is it because you remind me of an ex? Do I like you for you or is it because I’m subconsciously into this certain type? Do I just miss the concept of being in a relationship? Do I miss being held? Etc.

After that are the what if’s. What if you turn out to not be who I assumed you were and vice versa? What if you don’t actually support my tattoo? What if I only like you for your hair? What if you’re not an intersectional feminist (or an intersectional feminist ally?) What if we actually do end up dating and it sucks yet we still stick it out even though it hurts us both?

Finally, that certain what if comes up, the one that ends up like this: what if we do end up dating and we’re actually happy together? That then leads to cute, fluffy images of us being together. And then that leads to somewhere else that doesn't involve sex because I'm still an asexual. And I'm pretty damn sure that I'm always going to be asexual. All the meanwhile, there’s this weird warm, twisty feeling in my stomach and I’m not quite sure if my heart is beating a bit faster. But, I still can't help but get scared because I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship again.

And then, I get too tired and stop and then get ready for bed. My logical side telling me that it will never happen because I’m already busy enough. And that Asian parents were right, don’t date while you’re in school because they’ll only distract you from your studies. All the while, another side is telling me to just ask you out for lunch already and be a responsible adult. However, a part of me knows that I’m not brave enough to do that just yet, maybe, never.

And now the weather:

I'm Yours by Alessia Cara

Some nerve you have / To break up my lonely / ... / I wasn't trying to fall in love but, boy, you pushed me

~ Stacy N.

P.S. Funny how irrelevant a few of my posts seem compared to now.