Well this hurt more than I thought it would be

Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels

Dear me, 

I just finished reading the book, The Fortunes of Jaded Women by Carolyn Huynh, and that made me feel both seen and sad at the same time. Seen in a way that I have never felt seen before in literature because it focuses exclusively on Vietnamese women. And oftentimes we're not the center of our own stories, especially in American literature. This also goes for the fact when other Vietnamese and Vietnamese American men write about us. We're oftentimes someone's mother, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, significant other, etc. Always someone else's and never our own. And this book does a great job at reminding people that us Vietnamese women belong exclusively to ourselves first before anyone else and that we're people too. We're a woman. We're us. Messy, glorious, flawed, beautifully us. 

This book also just made me feel sad because it reminded me too much about my own family. It's not talked about in Vietnamese culture or amongst families either. How there are cracks, the estrangement, the period where family members just don't talk to each other for a while and do their own thing. Sometimes that period doesn't last as long, other times it can stretch into infinity. And people, especially Vietnamese women, are too stubborn to mend it sometimes. Not until it's too late. Giant events seem to unite people more easily than smaller ones. But that should not always be the case. 

Ironically enough, in my own stubbornness, I am still unwilling to fix some of the cracks in my own family. It means facing the past and the hurt and I am not ready for that. Also, there is a tiredness of being a middle child who has to be the mediator for everyone. And I just want time for myself at this current moment to do my own thing before I have to do what my family thinks I have to do.

Overall, what I've learned from this book is that Vietnamese women are stubborn as fuck. And also, fuck it, I'm tired of being expected to be the good Vietnamese girl. The one who has to marry into another Vietnamese family, especially to a guy who has money. (My family gave up on the fact that I'm going to get a high-paying job in one of the traditional Asian fields.) The one who has to have that big Vietnamese wedding that is supposed to unite everyone. The one who is supposed to have several kids. The one who is supposed to have a nice house and be a good housewife and mother and daughter and whatever and still be expected to keep up my "perfect" skinniness and beauty and youth.

I'm messy, I'm flawed, I'm tired, yet I'm still me and I do love what I am doing right now. And it's nice to see that reflected in a book that I will be 100000% supportive of if it ever becomes a TV show or even a movie.

Thank you Carolyn Huynh. Genuinely, thank you. 

 

And now the weather: 

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~ Stacy N.