11/22/16

Signs that pointed to my asexuality

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While watching this youtube video about asexuality that got me thinking about my past and how different it was from a non-asexual person. For those of you who don’t know, asexuality is a lack of a sexuality. It’s one where the person doesn’t feel a sexual attraction. Of course, there are variations of asexuality like demi-asexual, where the person only feels sexual attraction once they formed a strong emotional bond with someone; and grey-asexual, whose definition differs for each grey-asexual person.
Now I’m going off course, but what I want to add before I go back to my main topic is that yes asexuality is an actual  sexuality (or technically lack of one) and yes it is important to showcase more asexuals in media and everywhere else to show that it is normal to be one in this sex-crazed part of the world.
And now onto the signs that pointed towards my asexuality:
  • If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know by now that my crushes usually go away pretty quickly. However, now that I think about it, I think I only liked them because they were aesthetically pleasing to look at.
  • There were only about two moments in my life when I just “clicked” with someone. When I knew for sure that I wanted to be in some kind of romantic relationship with them. Honestly, I’m not sure what that means. Am I really that choosy; does no one really interest me that much; etc.?
  • Whenever friends (especially during those Jr. High school years) asked me who I was crushing on, I would usually lie and say a random classmate’s name. And then I would force myself to like them in that romantic sense so I couldn’t be seen as a liar. And it sucked. Honestly, I felt kind of hollow and fake because I knew for sure that wasn’t what I was actually feeling.
  • I’ve only had about two sex dreams in my life. And all I saw was myself doing the act but never getting an orgasm. Plus, they never lasted for long, only a couple of minutes or so. And I know that people (guys, girls, and those in between) my age were having more sex dreams than that.
  • Back in 8th grade, my friend said that when a person pulls one of their fingers back, the painful sound they made was what they would also make when they’re having sex. When she pushed my finger back all I said was, “ow” in an anti-climactic way.
  • When friends tell me their dreams of who they made out with, I could never relate to them because I never got those dreams.
  • Whenever I read posts on tumblr or facebook about being horny, especially when you’re on your period, again I could never relate because I never felt that. Yes, I’ve wanted to kiss certain people but never to the point where I wanted to have sex with them.
  • When I was with my last ex, I felt like I wasn’t ever enough because I couldn’t give them what they wanted which was ultimately sex. It was never in my best interest and thankfully they respected that.
  • I’ve never felt the urge to join the crowd and have sex with anyone at all, especially during my high school years. Mainly because I live in Utah so the schools were predominately Mormon and I usually hung out with Mormon people. And again, I’m also pretty asexual.
  • It was always weird watching people have sex in movies and TV shows or when I was reading studies about sex. I could never relate to them because they seemed like this other in my mind. An other that is predominately the norm in the United States.
  • Whenever I read sex scenes in books, I would always put the book down before going back to it later (by then with some force on my part because I wanted to get the whole thing over with.)
Eventually, it clicked that I was asexual when I saw some tumblr posts about it and how it almost perfectly described me. That was when I realized that I wasn't "normal" in the eyes of the world because I don't want or even need to talk about sex, let alone have it. And honestly, I feel better knowing that. During my discovery process, I realized that I'm not alone and that it is completely normal to be asexual. And honestly, you're not broken because of that.

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