I know I have been telling people that I am in the process of finding a therapist because of mainly family shit, to be honest, but also some relationship shit too. I am writing this in a fucking flat face because I still am in a bit of denial about that. I got books, I started journaling, I am more aware of therapy itself as a business, I have a whole fucking list of therapists to contact and questions to ask too. But no matter what, there is still a barrier in my head.
And I think part of it is the financial part. The part I am afraid to ask my insurance about. Like I know I should check out my employee assistance program that my work offers to me for fucking free. But I feel like that won't be enough for all of this complicated shit that constantly swirls in and out of my head. Shit, that isn't just depression (still a maybe do I or do I not have it?) or ADHD. Two things I know for sure I need to get checked out on.
And I know I should be reading my books some more instead of distracting myself with my phone (a bad habit of mine still), but it's hard. No matter what, a part of me just wants to shut off my brain, and mindlessly scrolling through my phone does that. And you got to admit, it is kind of a nice way to decompress especially after a long ass day of work.
But what is the point of telling people when I cannot even hold myself accountable?
As a person told me, finding a therapist for the first time is one of the scariest things to do. But it is definitely worth it.
And I know you will do fine, and that you got this. You really do.
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