If it wasn't going to happen now, it was going to happen later

Content warning: death, abuse

Photo by vlanka

It all started with a kiss that led to a stab or two or three, and now it turned into a funeral. A funeral that probably shouldn’t have happened but it was going to happen at some point. If not now then later.
And honestly, I can’t feel an ounce of regret or remorse or pity or even sadness at this interesting turn of events. Nor do I feel happy or glad or relieved that I’ve finished my job. But just empty about it all. If it was not going to happen now, it was going to happen later. A later that probably shouldn’t have happened so soon.
“He was a responsible young man,” his mother droned on, “always doing his work, always helping out whenever it was needed, always doing something kind for someone…” I suppressed a yawn knowing how inappropriate that would be at a black-tie event.
“It’s simply a pity that he had to go so soon,” she said, her voice cracking at the right moment. I tapped my fingers against my thigh, black upon black. Bullshit upon bullshit.
“And, oh God, I’m so sorry for letting this happen to you. I should have done better as a mother.” I tried hard not to laugh at her dramatics.
“There, there, Ms. Nguyen,” the pastor said, patting her back in a comforting way. “Would you like to-”
Ms. Nguyen shook her head, before making her way down the little stage to her proper place up front, tears already gathered in her lying, brown eyes.
“Okay, would anyone else like to talk about Jason?” he boomed to the little audience. I knew that I should go up there and talk about him. After all, it was my responsibility to do that for him considering that I was his so-called girlfriend and all that. But something in my body froze. Sweat started to gather around my pits, and I started shaking like a little leaf ready to fall. I tried to slow my breathing, but it was hard when the edges of that certain memory began to creep into my head. The one that caused me to hate stages forever.
Breathe Cindy, I told myself, just fucking breathe. 
“Okay, if no one would like to say anything else then I shall conclude the ending prayers…” everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes listening to the monotonous, useless prayer. Everyone except me. I still bowed my head like everyone else, but I kept my eyes open because if I closed them for just one second that panic attack will surely come.
“… pray over his soul that is receiving the blessing of God right at this moment….”
For a moment, I let myself miss him. From the way his infectious laughter sounded to his tousled black hair. From his intelligent brown eyes to his kindness to others that weren't me. From his pink mouth that could say many hurtful things that last a lifetime to his hands that were as soft as an angel’s wing but was actually devil like in nature. That lasted only for a moment though before the panic wrapped around me again.
“Amen.”
I rushed out of that suffocating tomb-like space wanting nothing but air and a way to stop those terrible memories from coming around. But it was too late, for just as soon I stepped outside, I broke down and sobbed. Love and regret and relief and pure hatred went in and out in and out of me mixing together in a melodious way.
For I was free, finally free from that fucking terrible monster.

And now the weather:

You Give Love A Bad Name - Vintage Blues - Style Bon Jovi Cover ft. Jennie Lena

An angel's smile is what you sell / You promise me heaven, then put me through Hell / ... / Shot through the heart / And you're to blame / You give love a bad name

~ Stacy N.

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Four choices

Photo by Anis Abdul

You wake up and find yourself among the stars. There is no ground underneath you just an endless void. And the heat of the stars’ travel across your skin in their far away spot. The only sound you can hear is your fast, shaky breathing and your lack of a heartbeat.

You are dead.

Getting up, not sure how this is even possible as there is no official ground, you glance around and notice four tunnels of light.

The one in front of you screams Earth. Choosing this option means that you are reincarnated into a human baby found in the past, present, or future. But do you feel the need to begin again?

The one to your right sings Heaven. Choosing this option means that you get anything that you want without paying a price. But do you feel that you have been good enough for this route?

The one behind you hums with Emptiness. Choosing this option means that you turn back into the stars and wander around the universe in an endless manner. But do you feel the need to give up?

The one to your right whispers Hell. Choosing this option means that you live in torture for the rest of eternity. But do you feel that you have been bad enough for this route?

You pause not sure which path to take. And you know that you don’t have long to make a choice before it comes. So, taking a deep breath you take a step in whatever direction you chose and another, and another knowing that it is the right one for you.

Do you regret the decision immediately when you step up to the light?

Too late, some unknown force pushes you in, and you find yourself falling towards a fate that you are not prepared for.

Note: This is a story idea that's been on my mind for about four years but I couldn't find a way to say it till now.

And now the weather:

Lost Stars the Kiera Knightley version

~ Stacy N.

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Christmas Eve

Photo by James Donovan

Content warning: death, suicide 
December 24 has never been my favorite day for three reasons.
One, December 24, 2010, Mother Nature decided to give me an early Christmas gift. My period. It was bloody and horrible and it hurt. I knew it was going to come eventually, but why that particular day? Christmas eve was supposed to be an exciting day spent in preparation for the big Christmas holiday. It shouldn't be a bloody mess. By now, I've more or less suffered through it, and still have to survive it for another fortyish years.

Two, December 24, 2015, my bà nội  ended up going to the hospital because something happened to her heart. Thankfully, she had my dad and his brother to keep her company for most of the day. By the time the news reached my siblings' and my ears, visiting hours were already over. Little did I realize, that hospital visit foreshadowed her death two months later. She ended up dying of cardiac arrest around February. Thankfully, my family and I managed to visit her on Christmas day. That was also the last day I ever saw her alive and it was a day I'll never trade for anything else.

Three, December 25, 2015, I witnessed a suicide. I briefly mentioned it last year, however, since it was still fresh on my mind, I couldn't delve into many of the details without wanting to barf and/or break down. In fact, it's still a bit hard to write about, however, after all, the shit that happened so far in 2016, that was almost nothing. Now back to the story.

My siblings and I were at my ông bà nội's house when we heard the news of  bà nội's condition. By then, she was pretty weak. Her skin was papery thin; she wasn't talking much; she needed a walker; she had a puffy leg; she was diabetic; just got done with some kind of blood cancer; and she took a lot of pills just to survive her everyday life. So my family mourned, ate dinner, watched some movies, and talked a little bit. Eventually, it grew late so my siblings and I headed back to our hotel.* However, on the way there, we got lost and ended up hitting a homeless person who was actively trying to commit suicide. Unfortunately, our rental car was the tool that she managed to use to achieve that goal. It was scary, and I was quite numb after that, and even though I said I was fine, I wasn't.

Some context. My siblings and I were on a San Diego, California freeway when it happened. It was around ten pm, we were in the center lane, and there was moderate traffic around us. There was also a nearby hospital.

One moment, she wasn't there and the next she was. She looked like a pale demon from a horror movie. Except, there was no veil around her head. She ended up destroying one side of the car. For a moment, my older sister almost considered to keep on driving because she was freaking out and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, she ended up pulling over when she saw that a few other cars did the same. The typical happened, "what just happened?", cringing at the car's destruction, "there's flesh on your car", I started to take pictures as proof, names and insurance and license plate numbers were exchanged, someone called the police, and the police eventually came. There were two police groups that night, one group was with us and started to try to piece together what happened, the second group was with the dead body, they were a bit farther down the freeway.

When talking to an officer, he said that there's always quite a few homeless people who escape from the hospital and run onto the road. If I remember right, the homeless lady wore a hospital gown. Though I can't remember if I saw it or someone else told me. The police officer also said that there were a lot of homeless people in California, particularly in the southern part because it's almost always nice, sunny, and warm year around. And they usually gather around places of high traffic, particularly the side of the road.

A few hours later, my siblings and I ended up back in our hotel room, we (aka my older sister) started talking to a police provided therapist to help us process the night's events. And he told us that he believed there's a small spike in suicide rates among the homeless during this time of year. Because it's depressing to know that you're alone during the holidays with no loved ones around. Also, another officer mentioned that unfortunately, this was not a rare occurrence and it happened quite a few times every few months. Thankfully, my older sister didn't get charged with vehicular manslaughter because it was not her fault, it was the homeless lady's because she was in the middle of the road. A place that by then doesn't protect pedestrians, especially not on the freeway. And thankfully, there were witnesses who proved that the homeless lady did indeed walk on the freeway most likely to commit suicide.

But still it was bad, it was bad, it was bad.

*Initially my siblings, dad, and I were supposed to stay at my ông bà nội's house in National City, California, however, an aunt was also coming down for the holidays. And for some reason, she's not a big fan of my immediate family. So she wanted us out of ông bà nội's house because she "reserved" it first. But my ông nội doesn't really check his phone messages so he didn't tell us. So when we heard that piece of news, my siblings and I moved our stuff to a hotel in San Diego, thankfully still a bit close to our ông bà nội's house, while our dad stayed behind because he needed to spend the time with his dying mom. But in the end, that was all for nothing because said aunt decided to go to a hotel instead. Yay, for family drama.

Note: bà nội means paternal grandma in Vietnamese, ông nội means paternal grandpa, and ông bà nội means paternal grandparents.

And now the weather:
It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton a Musicality Cover

~ Stacy N.

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