Too personal for a Valentine's Day post

Photographed by Rinaldo R

I almost want to be in a relationship with someone. To get to know another person on a deeper level. To let them see the sides of me that I don’t dare show anyone. To be vulnerable with them. But I can’t, and I won’t. Because being vulnerable with someone also means accepting the risk of being hurt and thrown away. Of becoming nothing.
Which hurts.
Especially after all of this effort in starting to become something in this beautiful, crappy world. However, I now realize that no matter what kind of shit happens, I’ll always still be something. Something important on a very personal level. And I’m still trying to see that.
But it’s hard, it’s hard, it’s hard.

And now the weather:
Stars by Alessia Cara

We could be stars...

~ Stacy N.

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Letters part 2

Winter California car rides

Dear dog that I used to own,
I miss you. You were so fluffy, cute, and kind (except for when you started barking at the door whenever someone knocked). You were fun to play fetch with (though you were very attached to your tennis balls). As well as fun to go on walks with (except for that time when you rolled in your own poop).
I wish we kept you longer.
~ Stacy N.

And now the weather:
Like I'm Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor & John Legend: Cover by Clara C & Joseph Vincent

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Another (mini) existential crisis

Text reads: At the edge of the pond / someone who looks like me / is holding hands / with someone who looks like you. / I begin to wonder  who I am / because I don't look like me. - Zachary Schomburg
The poem is a little part of the bigger poem titled "The Pond" by Zachary Schomburg.

And now the weather:
Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk ft. Nate Ruess (Jun Sung Ahn Violin Cover ft. Sarah Park)

~ Stacy N.

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A letter that I should have sent a while ago part 1

Me at Congressman John Lewis's lecture
that happened at my school.

Dear ________,
After some heartbreak (that’s more of a broken pride), I realize that I’m happier off without you. So thank you.

~ Stacy N.

And now the weather:
Happy by Pharrell Williams

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I'm tired

Looking down from a hospital from California, thinking what a sad view my grandma has from her hospital bed.

I’m tired. I’m tired of injustices. I’m tired of mean acts. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of some of my thoughts. I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of so many things. But not life. Never life. Because life has so many beautiful things to enjoy. A quiet, spring sunrise where it’s cold and dewy. An Arctic caterpillar finally turning into a moth after years and years of trying. The joy of making someone’s day better just by smiling at them. Finally loving yourself after years of self-doubt and internalized hate. Playing tag with little kids. Eating your favorite food after a long day of work. And feeling at peace with yourself one unexpected day.

And now the weather:
Bel Air by Lana Del Rey

~ Stacy N.

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