Circles

Photo by Tuur Tisseghem

Give me something to think about, and my thoughts will cycle around and around it like an obsessive wolf circling her prey.
Pause.
I know exactly what to do to get out of it, but still there's a part of me that's resistant. That's afraid of the consequences.
Pause.
So to get out of that cycle, I work and focus on something else. Whether that's schoolwork, actually being at work, some club officer stuff, or whatever.
Pause.
It works for a moment. But when it's quiet, while I'm driving, listening to music, reading, or watching videos, or whatever, my mind can't help but go back to circling those thoughts. About my future, certain parts of my past, about me in general, or even other things.
Pause.
I don't know how or what to feel. It's just there like some kind of glob, and I'm not sure if I want to sort it out.
Pause.
So I write it all out, but I don't know if that's going to help.
Pause.
I take a moment to breathe because what else can I do?

And now the weather:
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish

~ Stacy N.

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I'm tired

Looking down from a hospital from California, thinking what a sad view my grandma has from her hospital bed.

I’m tired. I’m tired of injustices. I’m tired of mean acts. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of some of my thoughts. I’m tired of being an adult. I’m tired of so many things. But not life. Never life. Because life has so many beautiful things to enjoy. A quiet, spring sunrise where it’s cold and dewy. An Arctic caterpillar finally turning into a moth after years and years of trying. The joy of making someone’s day better just by smiling at them. Finally loving yourself after years of self-doubt and internalized hate. Playing tag with little kids. Eating your favorite food after a long day of work. And feeling at peace with yourself one unexpected day.

And now the weather:
Bel Air by Lana Del Rey

~ Stacy N.

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I AM...

Just the other day I've been looking through my school assignments and found one from my college preparatory class. It was a packet about owning my feelings and at the end of it I had to write down an I AM poem. The poem already had words on it but I had to write something after it. And being me I've decided to write down a bunch of silly things with a few serious things, because it wasn't going to be presented to my English teacher (thankfully).

And my friends might have inspired me in some areas, like being a Whovian.

(What I actually write is italicized).

I AM a girl named Stacy.

My mother would describe me as smart

My friends call me Stacy

I keep books

I remember a little bit of my childhood

I've learned how to be more open-minded

I hide my feelings from people

I read the same twenty-six letters over and over again

I shout that feminism isn't stupid

I AM a Whovian (and maybe a time lord)

I see everything that is visible

I hear sounds and a few voices in my head.

I taste not very edible

I feel fine for the moment

I think that the world is a messed up place

I whisper that the world shouldn't be so focused on girls when it comes to eating disorders and such

I AM a writer

I want money to buy books

I will work hard for what I want

I won’t ever do something that I don’t want to do.

I can write pretty well in English and in French.

I pretend to be sane around other people outside of my home.

I sing in a soft voice.

I AM an Asian

I dream of pretty “realistic” situations that will never happen.

I’m afraid of dark bathrooms.

I reach for the stars in hope that I will find the Doctor from Doctor Who.

I say I’m sorry when I feel guilty about hurting the other person.

I love the internet, reading, sleep, and books in general

I declare for the world to hear that cooked escargot is pretty tasty

I AM me

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Script Frenzy

A couple nights ago, while looking at the Nanowrimo front page. My tired mind forced my hand to click the link to the Script Frenzy site. After signing in and updating my profile page, it took me a minute or two think about what I just did. I just got on the Script Frenzy page and updated my profile while a week before I would have not done it. Not log on, explore the site, or actually do the event. But now here I am learning about slug lines, the margins, finding character references, trying to get my plot just right, etc. for an even that I didn’t even want to do a year ago.

A reason why, would probably be I’m writing deprived. Another reason would be that subconsciously I’ve wanted to do it all along. I’ve not really written much now days for some reason. Probably not enough motivation, laziness, and as well as school getting in the way, to actually sit down and write a story. Though that doesn’t excuse the fact that there are bits of stories floating in my head waiting to be written down and kept forever.

So now after what I think is rambling from up above. I have now decided to tell you what you should have already figured out by now. I’m now doing Script Frenzy, after some accidental clicking. My username is still the same 1018mockingjay on both the YWP and adult ones.  So you should friend me, if you want. And… I just realized that I never really explained the objective (or not at all) did I?

Well there I just explained it, or in truth just showed you. Script Frenzy is just where you write one-hundred script pages in thirty days. It’s in the month of April and like November; it also has thirty days, which I already explained. And also on the YWP one, you can choose how many script pages you write. And since this is my first year, I’m going to try for fifty pages on the YWP one. My actual goal is one hundred pages. Which is going to be a bit hard considering that finals is most likely going to happen around that month as well. But I’m willing to try.

Links: 

The Script Frenzy page from above above

Script Frenzy

YWP.Script Frenzy

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