Vietnam stole my heart

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"My heart is here, the Lady of Many Tongues had said days before. Here, where I see how beautiful Đà Lạt is. I had thought the same of Saigon, despite the smoke and lights and buildings—how it could've been mine in another life. A different one, not necessarily better or worse." ~ She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

I know it's cheesy to say that, but it's true.

In some way, going to Vietnam for the first time helped me figure out that I'm not alone in this universe and that I still belong somewhere. Even though a lot of Vietnamese people don't view me as Vietnamese at all or more Việt Kiều than anything else. I feel like a fucking oddity, honestly. I can understand the language to a certain extent depending on the context clues given, but when it comes to speaking... Well, a baby can speak it better than me at this point.

Everyone is also always trying to show me how to eat Việt food, even though I grew up eating it. And there are always the comments about my body, cao quá, and wow, you're so skinny. (That does not help my eating issues.)

It's annoying and sometimes frustrating. 

Yet despite it all, my heart bloomed when I was over there. And a part of it is still over there. 

If it weren't for world events that led to one thing after another, which eventually led to my parents coming to the United States, maybe, just maybe, I would have been born in Vietnam and had a different life. Not necessarily better or worse, but it would have been mine.

And now the weather:

girls like me don't cry (remix) by thuy ft. MIN

~ Stacy N.

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What my mother taught me

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Dear mẹ của con,

Thank you for teaching me how to not give a fuck about what I'm wearing. After all, the most important thing is my smile and confidence, of course.

Even though it feels hard to do since it feels so engrained in Vietnamese (or is it more Việt kiều?) culture to one-up each other; pass judgment onto others; and turn everything into a competition. And the best way to prove that you come from a respectable (or at least decent) family is to show that in your clothing.

That gets tiring. I just want to dress up as a slob sometimes and show others that what really matters is your morals. After all, that's what's going to be judged in the afterlife. Not our clothing choices, but your actions and values and all that. 

Oh yeah, you also taught me to massage my face (which I still don't ever do.)

And now the weather:

Thanh by Thịnh Suy

~ Stacy N.

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A thought while reading She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

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As a Vietnamese person, you just learn to live with ghosts.

It doesn't matter if you believe in them or not.

After all, we all know someone who's died whether directly or indirectly. In some way tied back to the war of course. The ripples from that still making waves years later that I don't think will ever stop honestly. The most we can do is just acknowledge it and continue on with our life. 

And now the weather:

when the party's over by Pentatonix

~ Stacy N.

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To my barely college graduated self

Taken by my dear friend, Linda

Dear present me as of 2019,

Well, I finally graduated from college after four years and a lot of things later. And it just hit me, and now I'm feeling kind of sad. It was a good chapter of my life that I will never forget, and I learned a lot of things from it. However, I cannot let that chapter hold me back from living the rest of my life, even if I will miss it dearly.

Dear past me,

I do not miss it dearly. I miss certain moments of it, but I don't dwell on it. It felt very freeing growing up and doing whatever I (legally and ethically right) want. And honestly, I think you would be proud to see the growth I've made since then. Even if it is very wonky.

From,

present me as of 2023

And now the weather:
Thank You by Pentatonix 

~ Stacy N.

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Proof that I was thinking about this blog back in 2020

Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels

Nine years ago, I started a blog to share my thoughts. And it always seemed like I had something to say. Whether it was about books, college, what I miss about home, and such. Now, it seems like I don't have much to say at all. It's like my thoughts have all dried up. Well technically, my public thoughts have all dried up. I've become a hermit in a way, retreating to my shell because I don't want the world to judge me knowing it will be used against me in some way. 

That makes me sad because I used to not care about what the world thought. After all, the only opinion that really matters is mine. And that is still very much true. And I still have a lot to say, I do. I just haven't made myself actually sit down and reflect on everything lately because honestly, I don't feel like thinking. Which is not ideal and probably not healthy in some way. But oh well.

And now the weather:

Ronan by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

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From April 2022 Stacy

Photo by Aviv Perets on Pexels

Dear future me,

Living gets harder the older I become. I never asked to be born, I never asked to learn about all the shitty family secrets or technically the knowledge or stories or whatever. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what to say about it. They're like sand passing through my fingers. There and then gone, but I still remember it. And it feels like a burden that just adds to the mountain called generational trauma.

I guess the best I can do is just move on and let time slowly wash them away.

And now the weather: 

Not My Proudest Moment by Anna Akana

~ Stacy N.

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