Them.

Taken by me from when I went to my first lantern festival

There was a past that took a while to get over.
There was a future that was mostly what-ifs.
Now there is a present that I hope to not get over nor let it end in a what-if.

And now the weather:
Love You Like That by Dagny

~ Stacy N.

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A random thing that college made me appreciate

Photo by me when I was at a popup museum called Love Letters

Nonfiction works.
Whether that was some kind of research that I was interested in like video games, the mind, Asian American studies, cultural studies, social justice, etc. Or memoirs of people whom I'm curious about like Trevor Noah, Eddie Huang, Marjane Satrapi, Thi Bui, Tara Westover, Frederick Douglass, and Paul Kalanithi. Or even various personal growth books written by Anna Akana or even Dale Carnegie. Overall, it made me realize the breadth of nonfiction works and how myriad it really is. It also taught me how nonfiction works are on a spectrum in terms of its writing style just like fiction. Moreover, it really expanded my viewpoint in terms of what literature can do for a mind.

And now the weather:
"Sign of the Times" (Harry Styles KOver) - Kevin Olusola

~ Stacy N.

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A memory

Photo by  Jason Schuller

We let our feet dangle lazily into the water. I was writing down some thoughts that was going to become a blog post, while they were reading out loud from a book about life and wisdom and age. The sound of swimmers in the near distance while people were fishing on the other side of the lake, and of course there was a dog or two nearby. It was dusk and it was summer and the weather was finally nice for once in a place that was known for its rain.

And now the weather:
Beethoven's 5 Secrets - OneRepublic by The Piano Guys

~ Stacy N.

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I know I'm not the only one (a 2018 thought)

Photo by Studio 7042

The other day, I was listening to Sam Smith's album The Thrill of It All and I couldn't help but smile. Not in a sadistic way where I was enjoying another person's pain, but in a way where I realized that I wasn't alone in my own pain. And that made me feel better. Thank you (even though I'm 99.99% sure that Sam Smith will never read this, but thank you anyway.)

And now the weather:
Too Good at Goodbyes by Sam Smith

~ Stacy N.

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My body

Photo by Sarah Pflug

I admit I get a bit self-conscious about my body. I try not to show it, but it's hard sometimes. Yes, I do love my body and I'm fine with the way it is, but occasionally it takes a lot of convincing for me to believe it.

It's funny, when I was younger I tried my best to gain weight because I didn't like how skinny I was and how underweight I've been. Then something changed, and now I can't help but see how much "skinny fat" I've got and now I want to lose that. Even though I know it's fine and that overall, it's not really going to change anyone's opinions of me, right? But that still doesn't stop me from unconsciously sucking in my stomach on a daily basis or worry about how much weight I've gained, even though I know most of it is probably muscle weight since I've been moving around more, mainly for work.

In the end, loving my body is a continual learning process that will stay with me my whole life. And no matter what, I shouldn't base my self worth on that (even if society does pressure me to do so.) My self worth is more than that. Way more than that.

And now the weather:
Good Thing by Zedd and Kehlani
I already got a good thing with me

~ Stacy N.

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Relationships and social media

Photo by Christina Morillo

On behalf of a friend, I am wondering when it should be appropriate to start introducing your (romantic) relationship to your friends, family, and social media. Yes, I am very much aware that it varies upon relationship to relationship and that it does happen in stages and overall it needs to involve the consent of all sides and ensure that everyone is comfortable with it. However, is there a general consensus of when that should happen? And who has the right to know first?

It's funny how we didn't need to think about this like a century ago (or at most 50 years ago). However, with the introduction of technology (aka computers or more specifically the internet), we as a human species started thinking about how to show off our relationship online trying to garner the opinions of thousands of strangers. When really, in the end, that doesn't matter. All that matters is the opinions of you and your partner and those closest to the both of you, but namely your pet. (Even if it does freak out the both of you.)

And now the weather:
Good Day by Surfaces

~ Stacy N.

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speechless (letters part 11)

Photo by Roman Kraft

Dear person who will definitely know that it's them when they read this,
Isn't it ironic that I'm a writer of some sort? I'm supposed to have all the words and know the best metaphors to describe the overwhelmings of life, but when it comes to you, you've left me completely speechless. And that is honestly the best thing I can ask for because there isn't anything in the world that can be compared to you or our love for each other. Cảm ơn ♥

And now the weather:
Speechless by Dan & Shay cover by John & Krystina
After all this time I'm just as nervous / Every time you walk into the room

~ Stacy N.

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Impatience

My bookshelf before I organized it.

It didn't hit me at how impatient I've become till I forced myself to sit down and read a book. I'm at that point in my life where I want to have the book finished already so that I could move on to the next one, and the next one after that, and the next one after that. It also does not help that I have a whole bookshelf full of unread books staring at me every time that I'm in my room. Taunting me, forcing me to pick one of them up so it can graduate and move on to the bookshelf full of already finished books. Instead, I would end up on my phone scrolling through Facebook, looking through various job descriptions, messaging various people, spend endless hours on Youtube, and just generally do anything but reading.

After running into a Grant Snider picture called, "Stages of the Reader," it didn't hit me how true it is until seeing it. I'm on stage six, no books, but I'm also on stage eight, where I'm hoarding a lot of books. Working at a bookstore does not help because there are a lot of new books and books that I've been eyeing for quite a while that I keep on getting for myself because it's cheaper with my employee discount. There are also a lot of advanced reader copies (ARCs) that I occasionally like to get. However, collecting a bunch of books does not help me get out of this reading slump.

As mentioned in a previous post, a reading slump is when a person is "not reading as many books as often to not reading any books at all." For six years of my life, I've been in a reading slump. It may not look like it because I constantly carry a book with me, but most of the time it goes unread. And it is true that I graduated as an English major, but most of the books that I've read in the last four years, I read because I had to if I wanted to pass my classes. And I'm not going to lie, being an English major burned me out in a way. I had to put in a lot of thought and time in analyzing the stories that it just tired me out and it made me not want to read for fun most of the time. Yeah, I liked reading the stories that were given to me, but that didn't always make me want to branch out on my own.

And when I did try to read for fun, my mind would rather be doing something else. Plus, it would either take forever to finish one book (like several months to a year) or it would be really quick (like one to two days at most), rarely was there an in between. Either way, I forgot the importance of slowing down and just enjoy the moment and the story before me. For most of my life, I've learned to rush through things, but really there was no need to do that because, in the end, I had plenty of time. Time that I cannot get back, but still plenty of time to learn that life is not a competition, but more of a leisurely stroll full of people who are important to me, plenty of fun (and sad) events, and activities that I realize I cannot live without like reading.

And now the weather:
Khalid's Young Dumb & Broke cover by Christian Kuria

~ Stacy N.

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Just some PMS thoughts

It's been emotional as I look back and see how much I grew from my childhood to now. Yes, I've learned a lot, but that also meant suffering quite a bit to get to where I am now and gain hopefully some kind of wisdom. However, there is still a lot that I need to learn. For example, how to speak up and how to open up about my past to a therapist, so that I can fully process it and move on. Or not move on exactly, but live with it in a way where I won't get so fucking angry and disgusted at certain parts of my life. I've realized that there is only so much that I can do before my thoughts become redundant and it's no longer helpful, but harmful. And I need to accept that fact, even if it hurts to say so.

And now the weather:
Growing Pains by Alessia Cara, the acoustic version

~ Stacy N.

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The same old constant internal thought

Photo by Thorn Yang

I haven't written anything for a while. Well, minus what I write for my social media posts, emails, text messages, and all of that. What I meant was, I haven't written anything substantial in a while. Something that has some kind of meaningful substance that I could be proud about, whether that may be a story, a blog post, or hell even a random journal entry that I would seriously consider making public one day. Instead, all I have are half-formed thoughts that disappear just as soon as I get home. Plus it does not help that I get nervous and a bit anxious every time I write a blog post. I know there are people out there who know me personally, and I am afraid of disappointing them and not showing them my best self. It also does not help that I am in a point of my life where I have to be careful about what I post online because that does affect my future career choices.

However, I have to remember to stay true to myself and remember that I originally wrote this blog for me. It started off as a place for me to explore my creative side and share my thoughts without fear of being judged. And I need to stick to that even though it's been eight years or else I would lose my sanity. However, I also have to remember that I also wrote it for those who were willing to listen and support me along the way. And that if it were not for you all, I probably would have stopped a while ago. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

And now the weather:
Old Friends by Ben Rector

"Can you take me back when we were just kids / Who weren't scared of getting older? (yeah, yeah) / 'Cause no one knows you like they know you / And no one probably ever will / You can grow up, make new ones / But truth is there's nothing like old friends / 'Cause you can't make old friends"

~ Stacy N.

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On being lost (and other miscellaneous thoughts)

Photo by Sebastien Gabriel

I feel like barfing all the time.
I'm super stressed and I  honestly don't know what to do with my life. Graduation is coming up, and I know that it's fine to not have a job lined right up afterward, but somehow that feels like a failure to me. And I know I should reframe my thinking about that, especially after talking with so many friends and family members who were in the same boat as me, and didn't have a job right after college. They all told me that it's fine to wait and figure out what to do; but, then I keep on hearing other stories that sometimes you just never know what to do, even when you're 40-years-old and doing what you think you love.

That sense of being lost has been stuck with me forever. And I don't know what to do with it, and I don't think I ever will. People talk about finding their purpose in life like it's a casual easy thing to do. It isn't. It honestly isn't.

To be honest, I went into my English major because it was just something to do. I enjoyed reading and writing and thinking about things in a new way. And I knew for sure that I would never be happy if I did engineering or something in the medical field. And then as I went further into English, I realized that I also liked learning more about the behind-the-scenes stuff of how a story gets published. That made me realize, hey I want to go into the publishing field. However, I don't know where I want to start in, despite some of the obvious choices that are right in front of me.

There are also so many doubts, and a quiet realization of fuck I'm fucking scared.

I know I could have been the "good" Asian American who follows her parent's dreams and wishes. One who could have been a good doctor (minus the constant fear and wanting to barf if I mess up some how some way.) I could have continued staying quiet and not gotten a tattoo and not learn more about social justice and what it means to be Asian American and in general human and all the consequences (both good and bad) that come with it. But then I wouldn't be the same me sitting at her laptop writing all of this down. I would have been someone completely different, probably someone more sad and robotic and well boring.

And that is not someone I want to become.

And now the weather:
Don't Disappoint Me by Ruth B.

~ Stacy N.

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