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6/8/18

Confessions from when I was a high school senior

Everything is currently a mess in my life, and I try to suppress that by focusing on my schoolwork and on writing and watching The Simpsons, and other television shows, and by going onto tumblr.
I’m terrified, nervous, and excited at the fact that I’m finally a senior.
I’m procrastinating on applying for scholarships.
Playing solitaire on my HTC One calms me down (and I can now see why my dad plays it often).
Sometimes I cry easily, and the tears won’t stop.
I wish I don’t have any emotions.
This is the first time since I started high school that I’m not crushing on anyone. And I actually like it that way.
I’m happy to be single once more, and not have to deal with another guy’s crap.
I barely thought about blogging during the whole school year.
I haven’t watched season eight of Doctor Who yet.
I wish for simpler times. Times when the whole world isn’t so crappy. Times when my family is doing okay. Times when I could read without having to worry much about schoolwork or college essays. Times when I could actually find it within myself to read.
I rarely take selfies.
I’m pretty effing tired of everything.
I love Taylor Swift’s new album 1989. And so far I’ve listened to that album a lot, especially during math lab (a study hall class that is more for helping with math).
The reason why I haven’t blogged as often is because this blog brings back a lot of memories. It reminds me of simpler times. And I’m not too keen to have people I know reading this, mainly my ex.
I love English class and exploring literature in a whole new way.
I like learning about how the United States government works.
I like dancing the foxtrot and the waltz in my ballroom class.
I hate taking the benchmark tests in my physics class because that doesn’t help anyone at all.
It’s nice to know that there are people who still care about me.
I oftentimes stay up past one in the morning on non-school nights. But I fall asleep easier nowadays.
I’m trying to learn the difference between what I think I want and what I really want.
I’m grateful to have a twin, despite all of our differences.
I’d be lying to myself if I said that I actually missed blogging.
I’m learning that the littlest things can make the biggest differences sometimes. No matter how quiet it seems to be.
I’m learning that you just can’t just change people.
I’m far from actually healing.
I really like my last name.
I’m not a big fan of the song, Stacy’s Mom has it going on.
I still have yet to watch The Fault in Our Stars movie.
I finally got over my ex months ago.
I’ve had a pretty rocky transition into adolescence, and an even shakier one moving into adulthood.
One of my pet peeves is when people don’t try to understand things from my side, and just automatically assume things without really asking what I think about it.
I’ve been feeling kind of dissatisfied with television shows and books and their lack of more diversity, (basically much more Asian characters that I can identify with). So that lead me to watch more youtube videos, specifically Jubillee project, Wong Fu Productions, and Anna Akana. And one k-drama that isn’t like the other ones that my mom likes to watch. (This one deals with Neurotherapy, it’s called It’s Okay, It’s Love, and it more or less accurately deals with mental disorders and what people actually say about it).

And now the weather: still trying to get rid of old songs
No Money by Cahoots feat. Roomie
- Stacy N.
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6/6/18

What went in and out of my head four years ago

Source
It’s important to love yourself.
I used to be in love with the idea of being in love, and as I think about it, little remnants of it still remain.
Some of the things pro-lifers, do seem very ironic. 
Chocolate is always good.
Disney is a nice pick me up.
Reading is also a good one as well.
I’m somehow finding a way to incorporate astronomy and magic in my fantasy novel, you know IDE
Bad guys can easily be disguised as cute guys with nice voices who proposes to princesses they just barely met on the first day of said princess’s sister’s coronation.
I don’t need a guy saving me from most of my troubles that I can easily fix myself.
Feminism is about crushing the patriarchy not being superior to guys (which is better known as sexism).
Disney surely likes transformations to happen within a song, Hercules becomes scrawny to buff, Mulan learns how to fight like a guy, Jane becomes one of the Lost Boys, Elsa builds a castle made out of ice, etc.
You don’t always have to go to church to know the difference between right and wrong.
Dress up, do everything and anything for yourself. Impress yourself. Be your own best friend. Just love yourself. Because after all, in the end, you’re stuck with yourself for all of forever and eternity.
Winter can be beautiful in its own way.
 If you feel bad about something, try forgiving someone, if they actually deserve it. Don’t just forgive someone just because they demand of it, and you know for sure that they don’t deserve it.
Always save that one kiss for someone special (even if it is just yourself).
Smile.
You have the right to be angry.
Treat your body like a temple.
If you don’t feel well, take some time off to try to make yourself feel better. Actually try.
Try to do something that you enjoy, every day.
Crying doesn’t make you weak.
It’s okay to want to spend some time alone.
Love those who actually deserve it.
Remind yourself that you are a lovely person made out of elements that literally make up the stars around us.
Try to find some kind of balance in your life.
Grades aren’t everything.
Puppies help.
Magic. Just magic.
I really don’t like Steven Moffat as showrunner of Doctor Who. Nor did I really actually realize all the reasons why Doctor Who seemed off ever since he came on, till I read this post (link to Doctor Who post). [2018: I don't remember the link anymore, sorry y'all.]
I’m starting to really question my sexuality. Is it heterosexual, asexual, demi-sexual, somewhere in the gray areas of asexuality?
There is a giant difference between wanting a sexual relationship with someone and wanting a romantic relationship with someone.
I’m pretty sure that I’m a hetero-romantic. [2018: joke is on everyone, I'm actually bi-romantic]
Writing is pretty helpful.
Never say yes to a marriage proposal to a person you just met that day.
Misunderstanding stems from miscommunication.
Actually try to talk to someone about your feelings.
Do everything slowly!
No matter how hard you try to make yourself feel empty, it won’t work in the end. Feelings will seep in through the cracks of your system. And it will feel even worse in the end.
Always try to keep track of your money.
Moderation!
Do they ever sleep in Frozen or eat?
Things that will make me cry: Whenever Disney just has one of those beginnings (Frozen, Up). TFiOS. The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Doctor Who (before season 5)
Jackasses are disguised in many forms.
Why are villains always talking about their plans? If you don’t want anyone to spoil your plans, don’t talk about them!
True love comes in many forms.
Bookstores and coffee are lovely.
You don’t always need to have a king to rule a kingdom.
It’s okay to point out the problems of something that you love.
Try to accept the flaws of someone you love.
Try to change the more serious problems of something you love, like the sexism in Doctor Who, whitewashing in media.
Never ever let anyone touch you without your permission.
It’s okay to still love animated movies, even at age seventy-five or whatever.
Achieve happiness, but never at the expense of your health.
There’s always someone good trying to help ease the evil in this world.
Never ever abuse anyone in any shape or form.
Women clothing is designed to look good not to actually be, you know, functional and useful.
Patience is a virtue. One that I constantly try to snare and hope that it won’t slip away from me again.
It’s hard to try to distract yourself, from the things you don’t want to think about.
Never be jealous of someone else’s life when you already have a pretty awesome one.
I’m not a giant fan of this Kombucha drink. It tastes a teensy bit like alcohol to me, and considering that it is fermented a little…
Peppermint tea is wonderful.
I can’t help but feel slightly confined when I’m listening to church sermons on the weekend.
Coffee isn’t that bad.
It’s okay to be thin, it’s okay to be thin, and it’s okay to be thin.
It’s okay to have the lights on.
It’s okay to be afraid.
It’s okay to not want to do anything for the day.
Eighteen is a pretty number.
Remember this, photoshop isn’t portable and it sets the standard for unachievable looks in beauty.
Try to be comfortable in your own skin.
Birth control is actually beneficial. And it doesn’t turn women into crazy sluts and make them want to have sex all the time (despite what some people, who are uneducated in what birth control, says).
Society is hard on women and on people who aren’t white.
It’s dumb that pads and tampons aren’t free to give out and such, but condoms are.
Teaching people about abstinence isn’t going to prevent people from actually doing it.
It’s okay to not listen to those around you.
Do whatever you want, as long as you’re responsible for it! And at least know the risks that you’re taking on.
It’s okay to still keep some of your childhood toys.
Think to yourself. A person is holding a baby in one hand and in the other a fetus. Both are dying from some unknown disease. And you have the medicine that can save only one of them. The problem is, there isn’t enough to save both. And if you try splitting the medicine between both of them, it will only prolong their death by a couple of hours. So who do you choose to save?
It’s okay to be jealous but just don’t let that run your life.
I often feel conflicted. Wanting to do one thing or the other.
Being held isn’t that bad.
If you want to take a selfie, because you feel cute, then take it!
Don’t ever try to starve yourself on purpose!
I really want to burn some magazines and bathroom scales.
I’m now considering taking a road trip around Canada and ski for a little while.
It’s okay to not know what you want to do after high school.
It’s okay to take a little time off for yourself so you can try to figure out what you want to do.
Remember to eat healthily!
Stay hydrated!
I’m a being made out of stardust. One that’s pretty awesome and bad at being ugly, according to my boyfriend.
It’s okay to be happy and to be all smiling and like a little girl sometimes, especially because of a certain someone.
It’s okay to say no!
It’s okay to not want to go beyond your limit!
Always take care of yourself first.
I really want to kick someone’s ass sometime.
Stand up straighter for a little bit of time during the day. Put your nose up in the air, and it’s okay if you’re not smiling. All the while thinking slightly murderous thoughts.
The future is frightening. Embrace it and just know that you’re capable enough to handle it.
It’s okay to ask for help.
Take naps.
If you don’t feel like doing it then don’t do it. This includes smiling, eating something that your older sister made, reading, etc.
Be aware of the brownies.
Reread your favorite books so you can experience all the reasons why you fell in love with that book in the first place. All the while picking up a few new details here and there.
Try to not care so much about how many views a certain blog post got or how many followers you have. It’s all about quality, not quantity when it comes to blogging.
However, for NaNoWriMo, it’s the opposite (quantity vs quality)
Scarves. Warm, cute, and nice to have around.
Challenge yourself! Try new things! All the while thinking to yourself, can I handle it? (and be really honest with yourself on this one).
Sleep isn’t your enemy.
Listen, really listen to what your body wants.
There’s a difference between wants and needs.
It’s nice to be with someone.
It was also nice being single.
Write it down so you won’t forget!
When I’m alone or listening to a lesson or just doing something, my mind just starts to wander, distracted, not on guard, and just in general busy doing something else, wisps of jealously starts to wrap around my mind. And for a minute it’s hard to think about anything else, as my thoughts start to turn to other girls that can easily make him smile and laugh and such. And I know that it’s stupid and that I shouldn’t really be thinking about it, after all, he did choose me. And other people would say that I’m lucky to even be dating someone that happens to be a cute dork with intellectual thoughts. After all, a guy is everything. Yet, I still can’t help but think about the why. Out of everyone on this planet, he chose me, a nerdy Asian who’s bad at a lot of stuff, except self-esteem issues. One who’s simply bad at talking, and who feels like she’s slightly annoying and maybe offending someone. So why did he even bother with me? This all lasts a minute or two, as I try to focus my mind on something else. Back on the lesson, tumblr, reading, whatever. Because, I don’t need this, I don’t need this, I don’t need this. Yet it’s still there. Just waiting, simply waiting to find another chance to creep up on me again.

And now the weather: aka a way to get some of the oldest songs off the playlist
Hey Boy by Dong Nhi

- Stacy N.
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1/5/18

Hello 2018

Photo by Elliott Chau
I'm not going to lie, I'm a mess. And I'm still going to be a mess by the end of this year. However, I'm still going to try to make some goals this year. They're not necessarily resolutions because New Year's resolutions I feel like you have to change yourself completely and it almost feels inflexible, plus its also pretty cliché. Goals, on the other hand, can be made anytime, it's flexible, and not as wordy.
So here are some of my goals for this year:
  • Be more honest with myself. After doing a lot of thinking these past few days, I've realized that part of the reason why I've been unhappy, especially as 2017 drew to a close was that I haven't been entirely honest with myself. Not with how was I feeling, not with what I really wanted, nor with what I expected out of myself and others. So, I'm going to try to be more honest with myself and actually make an effort to find the cause of my unhappiness and do something about it instead of letting it run.
  • Read for pleasure for fifteen minutes a day. I need to remember why I chose to surround myself with books, why did I choose to become an English major in the first place. And that can't be done if I'm constantly reading what other people want me to read.
  • Drink at least eighty fluid ounces of water every day. I just want a healthier body and water is one great way of achieving that.
  • Blog at least once a month. I know I always make this goal every single year, but this year I'm actually going to try. I've learned that it's easier to do something if you plan it. For this goal, in particular, that means actually thinking of content, making the time to draft it, edit it, and then posting it. And that could take a while. However, I will do my best to try. 
Ther are of course other goals, but they're more personal. Plus, these are the ones that I'm more likely to work on throughout the year if I remember them of course.

How about you? What are your goals that you want to work on throughout the year? Is there a particular one that you always make every year?

And now the weather: 

~ Stacy N.
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12/31/17

Goodbye 2017

Photo by Adam Birkett
Looking back, I viewed 2017 in a negative light. And I was right to a certain extent. Trump proved to be a jackass by banning trans people from enlisting in the military (thankfully that's been repealed). Threatening some Vietnamese immigrants with deportation even though they're protected under an agreement made back in 2008 between the U.S. and Vietnam that allows those who came to the U.S. before 1995 to stay even if they have deportation orders. As well as, taking away the DACA program, and other measures. It also didn't help that 2016 wasn't a good year for me personally, so that helped shape my view of what I thought 2017 was going to be.
However, this year I learned a lot. I learned about the incredible solidarity and human empathy people can have for each other. I learned just how powerful money can speak in this world, whether it's used for good or bad. And how small and kind of pity my problems are in the grand scheme of the universe, and how humbling that is.
2017 was a year of growth and getting better (or at least trying). Whether it was drinking more water, trying out the bullet journal system, finding out my sleep schedule, getting out of my comfort zone, etc. Overall, trying to find out what works for me and what didn't.
I've also had a lot of amazing opportunities this year from being an editor over at the Stay Bookish zine (link) to being a treasurer for AASA. From being a secretary for VASA to being an unexpected dog owner. And honestly, yes it's a lot of hard work and quite stressful at times, but it's been pretty fun, and I wouldn't trade in those experiences for anything else in the world.
To be honest, I didn't expect myself to travel quite a bit more this year. Whether it was to Arizona, Washington, or even Colorado where along the way I've met quite a medley of people who still help me continue to grow to this day. I've also met an interesting group of people in Utah and connected more with some of the people I've already known.
And I know that it sounds cheesy when I say that I wouldn't change anything (well maybe a few parts, I'm still a bit of a perfectionist) but overall, it's been a good year for me personally. Yeah, there are a few bumps along the way, and truth be told I'm not in the greatest place mentally right now, but I still wouldn't trade it in for anything the whole world, even Hamilton tickets. Hopefully, 2018 will be just as okay.

And now the weather:
Stargazing by Kygo ft. Justin Jesso
 ~ Stacy N.
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12/18/17

Circles

Photo by Tuur Tisseghem
Give me something to think about, and my thoughts will cycle around and around it like an obsessive wolf circling her prey.
Pause.
I know exactly what to do to get out of it, but still there's a part of me that's resistant. That's afraid of the consequences.
Pause.
So to get out of that cycle, I work and focus on something else. Whether that's schoolwork, actually being at work, some club officer stuff, or whatever.
Pause.
It works for a moment. But when it's quiet, while I'm driving, listening to music, reading, or watching videos, or whatever, my mind can't help but go back to circling those thoughts. About my future, certain parts of my past, about me in general, or even other things.
Pause.
I don't know how or what to feel. It's just there like some kind of glob, and I'm not sure if I want to sort it out.
Pause.
So I write it all out, but I don't know if that's going to help.
Pause.
I take a moment to breathe because what else can I do?

And now the weather:
idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish
~ Stacy N.
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