Goodbye 2016

Photo by Lukas Budimaier
Font is Nella Sue

Funny how a lot can happen in a year, I’m officially in my twenties; I ended up liking someone that I think I have a chance of dating (if only we weren’t so nerdy and studied all the time);  I’m socializing more and I don't feel as drained when I'm finished hanging out with them; I find myself writing creatively more often outside of November; I’m blogging more this year; my Vietnamese is getting a bit better; I got a tattoo; I’m happier, sadder, more scared, and angry because of world events like the Pulse club shooting, Trump’s election, and Aleppo*; my grandma unfortunately died; I didn’t end up participating in Nanowrimo this year due to personal reasons (*coughcoughcollegeworkandfinalsandallthatcoughcough*); and I find myself more involved in college groups like the undergraduate literary magazine at my school.

It feels good and weird and sad knowing how much I've done this year and how much I haven't done. And it's hard to know if I did accomplish my New Year's resolution this year. I mean being a better person is pretty vague, but I think I did become a slightly better person. I mean I'm better at catching myself whenever I think or say problematic stuff, though I still need a lot of work. It's also harder to feel happy considering everything that has happened both personally and around the world. And honestly, I think it's just going to go down from here before getting a bit better. But my little optimistic side can't help but feel glad that a new year is coming because it means that this year is finally coming to an end.

Sorry for being a downer. Have a good one and let's hope that next year won't suck as much.

And now the weather:
Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen cover by Pentatonix

*If you have the time and money, please consider donating to at least one of five charities here.

~ Stacy N.

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Tokenism

lyrics

Thoughts:

1. Having one or two people of color in a story mainly full of white people does not make the whole story racially diverse. It just makes those characters token minorities. 
2. Same thing if the one or two people were queer, had a different gender identity, religion, body type, etc.
3. According to Wikipedia, tokenism is "the practice of making only a perfunctory or symbolic effort to be inclusive to members of minority groups, especially by recruiting a small number of people from underrepresented groups in order to give the appearance of racial or sexual equality within a [group]. The effort of including a token [person] to a [group] is usually intended to create the impression of social inclusiveness and diversity (racial, religious, sexual, etc.) in order to deflect accusations of social discrimination." 
4. In my opinion, true diversity is when at least half the group is actually part of the marginalized group, in some way. An example would be the Big Hero 6 movie, Honey Lemon is Latina, Hiro, Gogo, and Tadashi are Asian, Wasabi is black, and Fred is white. That's racially diverse because there are more people of color than white people. And no Fred isn't a token minority because he comes from a privileged group of people who see themselves in the media every day, everywhere, in a wide range of roles. And they're (white people) often are the majority. Another great example is the Broadway musical, Hamilton where the main cast is predominately black or Latino, with the only white guy being King George III.
5. So please, before you say something is diverse look at the number of people in a marginalized group and compare that to the majority (aka white, male, cisgender, straight, middle class, Christian, etc.). If there are more people still belonging to the majority than there are in the marginalized communities then it's not diverse. Also, define diverse, is it racially diverse, sexually diverse, religiously diverse, etc.?
6. And last but not least, listen to this album my friend made. It's about his friend's and his experience about being black and brown in the United States. It's very thought-provoking and relatable to a certain extent. And yes, it is free to download.

~ Stacy N.

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Christmas Eve

Photo by James Donovan

Content warning: death, suicide 
December 24 has never been my favorite day for three reasons.
One, December 24, 2010, Mother Nature decided to give me an early Christmas gift. My period. It was bloody and horrible and it hurt. I knew it was going to come eventually, but why that particular day? Christmas eve was supposed to be an exciting day spent in preparation for the big Christmas holiday. It shouldn't be a bloody mess. By now, I've more or less suffered through it, and still have to survive it for another fortyish years.

Two, December 24, 2015, my bà nội  ended up going to the hospital because something happened to her heart. Thankfully, she had my dad and his brother to keep her company for most of the day. By the time the news reached my siblings' and my ears, visiting hours were already over. Little did I realize, that hospital visit foreshadowed her death two months later. She ended up dying of cardiac arrest around February. Thankfully, my family and I managed to visit her on Christmas day. That was also the last day I ever saw her alive and it was a day I'll never trade for anything else.

Three, December 25, 2015, I witnessed a suicide. I briefly mentioned it last year, however, since it was still fresh on my mind, I couldn't delve into many of the details without wanting to barf and/or break down. In fact, it's still a bit hard to write about, however, after all, the shit that happened so far in 2016, that was almost nothing. Now back to the story.

My siblings and I were at my ông bà nội's house when we heard the news of  bà nội's condition. By then, she was pretty weak. Her skin was papery thin; she wasn't talking much; she needed a walker; she had a puffy leg; she was diabetic; just got done with some kind of blood cancer; and she took a lot of pills just to survive her everyday life. So my family mourned, ate dinner, watched some movies, and talked a little bit. Eventually, it grew late so my siblings and I headed back to our hotel.* However, on the way there, we got lost and ended up hitting a homeless person who was actively trying to commit suicide. Unfortunately, our rental car was the tool that she managed to use to achieve that goal. It was scary, and I was quite numb after that, and even though I said I was fine, I wasn't.

Some context. My siblings and I were on a San Diego, California freeway when it happened. It was around ten pm, we were in the center lane, and there was moderate traffic around us. There was also a nearby hospital.

One moment, she wasn't there and the next she was. She looked like a pale demon from a horror movie. Except, there was no veil around her head. She ended up destroying one side of the car. For a moment, my older sister almost considered to keep on driving because she was freaking out and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, she ended up pulling over when she saw that a few other cars did the same. The typical happened, "what just happened?", cringing at the car's destruction, "there's flesh on your car", I started to take pictures as proof, names and insurance and license plate numbers were exchanged, someone called the police, and the police eventually came. There were two police groups that night, one group was with us and started to try to piece together what happened, the second group was with the dead body, they were a bit farther down the freeway.

When talking to an officer, he said that there's always quite a few homeless people who escape from the hospital and run onto the road. If I remember right, the homeless lady wore a hospital gown. Though I can't remember if I saw it or someone else told me. The police officer also said that there were a lot of homeless people in California, particularly in the southern part because it's almost always nice, sunny, and warm year around. And they usually gather around places of high traffic, particularly the side of the road.

A few hours later, my siblings and I ended up back in our hotel room, we (aka my older sister) started talking to a police provided therapist to help us process the night's events. And he told us that he believed there's a small spike in suicide rates among the homeless during this time of year. Because it's depressing to know that you're alone during the holidays with no loved ones around. Also, another officer mentioned that unfortunately, this was not a rare occurrence and it happened quite a few times every few months. Thankfully, my older sister didn't get charged with vehicular manslaughter because it was not her fault, it was the homeless lady's because she was in the middle of the road. A place that by then doesn't protect pedestrians, especially not on the freeway. And thankfully, there were witnesses who proved that the homeless lady did indeed walk on the freeway most likely to commit suicide.

But still it was bad, it was bad, it was bad.

*Initially my siblings, dad, and I were supposed to stay at my ông bà nội's house in National City, California, however, an aunt was also coming down for the holidays. And for some reason, she's not a big fan of my immediate family. So she wanted us out of ông bà nội's house because she "reserved" it first. But my ông nội doesn't really check his phone messages so he didn't tell us. So when we heard that piece of news, my siblings and I moved our stuff to a hotel in San Diego, thankfully still a bit close to our ông bà nội's house, while our dad stayed behind because he needed to spend the time with his dying mom. But in the end, that was all for nothing because said aunt decided to go to a hotel instead. Yay, for family drama.

Note: bà nội means paternal grandma in Vietnamese, ông nội means paternal grandpa, and ông bà nội means paternal grandparents.

And now the weather:
It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton a Musicality Cover

~ Stacy N.

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Colorblindness

Thoughts:

1. I wish I could tell past me that yes, even though, biologically, race doesn't exist that doesn't mean that the social constructs of race does not have an impact on you and other people of color. 
2. Colorblindness ignores the problems that people of color face. And unlike teeth with cavities, it won't fall out and magically solve itself. 
3. As I recently told a classmate of mine, not talking about racism won't fix racism itself. 
4. Colorblindness is a white privilege. If you're white then you don't have to worry about seeing color and how that affects you. You don't have to worry about discriminatory remarks like, "Go back to your country" or "You're in America now, speak English" or "No, where are you really from?" Or being called a racial slur that has been used to oppressed you for centuries (and no cracker does not have the same effect as the n-word because of the complicated history and the power it holds.) Nor do you really have to worry about "the talk", how to act around the police, representation in the media and books, and more. 
5. As Trevor Noah once said in an interview with Tomi Lahren, "There's nothing wrong with seeing color. It's how you treat color that's more important." Please, acknowledge the struggles that people of color and marginalized groups face. And please don't tell us that it will get better without making an attempt to fix the problem that's systematically embedded into American society. Actually, make the attempt to fix it and educate people of power about it. Demand laws that are better for everybody. Defend existing laws that help us keep our freedoms. Vote for politicians that are willing to make the change. Be more aware. Learn from your mistakes. Believe people of color and other marginalized groups when we tell our stories. And more importantly don't speak over us, acknowledge our voices. 

Also, everyday feminism has this great article on 7 Reasons Why ‘Colorblindness’ Contributes to Racism Instead of Solves It.

~ Stacy N.

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A Harry Potter “Existential Crisis”

Photo by Simson Petrol

According to Pottermore, I belong in the Slytherin house. Slytherin is the house that’s “cunning, ambitious, resourceful, shrewd, [and] determined” according to Pottermore. I don’t feel cunning; it seems like my ambition is running away from me most of the time, but the other three I feel like fits me more. I try to be resourceful but it takes me a bit to get there; shrewd feels so conniving, but it isn’t, and knowing me, I’m usually able to get my way if I really put my mind to it; and determination is my middle name, even though procrastination is always tagging along.

However, I feel like those aren’t my main traits. For a while, I’ve always thought I was a Ravenclaw mixed in with a bit of Hufflepuff. I’m smart and I like learning. But now that I think about it, I don’t think I like learning that much to the point where I have my nose stuffed in this internet article or a book twenty-four seven. However, it also depends on what I’m learning about too… While for my Hufflepuff side, I’m pretty loyal but I do know when to say no and when to take care of myself instead of helping others all the time.

Now that I think about it, no one is really destined to fit in any one house because everyone usually has a mix of traits from every house. However, there’s always these specific traits that pop up over and over again, so I guess people do fit in one house because of those traits. Okay, *shakes head* I’m just going in circles here. I’m really not quite sure what my dominant house is but I guess I’ll stick in Slytherin for the moment.
Aside: Or I could have gotten into Slytherin because my favorite color is green… Or is it because I’m a “pureblood” (aka my family only has Vietnamese blood, as far as I know of). Or is it because I’m destined to be discriminated against in some way but still have a good amount of privilege? Now, I’m just overthinking this.

And now the weather:
Let it Be by the Beatles - cover by Alicia Keys and John Legend

~ Stacy N.

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How to not stress about finals

Photo by Davide Cantelli

You don't. Instead, you internally scream as you slowly work on all your papers, projects, and study for tests at two in the morning.

And now the weather:
In my dreams by Ruth B.

~ Stacy N.

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A look into my life for Thursday, November 3, 2016

source

This is an idea I got from nevillegirl at Musings From Neville's Navel, and I thought it would be interesting to do to. So here it goes. Note: there is a mention of rape. 

7:05 AM: Alarm goes off, go to my phone and play the little games it provides to try and wake me up. Finish, set the timer to go off in ten minutes, and go back to sleep.

7:15 AM: Timer goes off, sets timer for another 10 minutes.

7: 25 AM: Timer goes off once more, the timer is set for another five minutes.

7: 30 AM: I’m up, I’m actually up.

7:32 AM: Grab the clothes I’ve laid out the night before, get dressed, and wash my face.

              If you want to know my secret to looking like a 17-year-old even though I’m twenty, smile and moisturize.

7: 53 AM: Eat a quick breakfast of a ham sandwich and take my vitamins.

8:00 AM: Finish eating, brush my teeth, get my hair ready, put on my shoes, steal my twin’s jacket, grab my phone, keys, backpack, and purse, and get out the door.

8:10 AM: Scrape a bit of ice that is on my windshield. Utah temporarily decides to act like winter even though it’s still fall.

8:15 AM: Finally start driving to school, listen to music on my phone, try to not panic a little because of the possibility that I might be late to my first class, hope that there isn’t any bad morning traffic around this time.

8: 47 AM: Park at the engineering building and try to remind myself that I’m not going to be late. And not panic too much about the rape that happened in the middle of the day on Monday that happened in the same exact parking lot that I’m at right now.

8:50 AM: Walk to accounting class, a bit pissed off about rape culture, sexism, the patriarchy, hyper-masculinity, male entitlement, etc., and still be a bit scared and a bit worried.

8:53-ish AM: Talk a bit with a friend that I haven’t seen a while, say goodbye, and then continue walking to class.

9:00 AM: Make it class, talk a bit with another friend about the business scandals we’ve ended up choosing.

9:10 AM: Class starts. Time to learn about some business scandals. That included…

              Enron, and how big and involved the scandal was à Lehman Brothers (my pick) and how it ended up copying some of Enron’s moves, and then it went bankrupt and it almost caused a financial black hole à Bernard Madoff and how he created a giant Ponzi scheme that finally broke because of the financial crisis that the Lehman Brothers had a play in.

10: 30 AM: Class ends, and I came out of it surprised and disgusted with all of the scandals.

10: 35 AM: Grab my weekly/biweekly brunch from one of the food trucks. In this case, a Vietnamese food truck that has good caramel pork.

10:40 ish AM: Go to the library to study aka try to finish reading Othello and eat a bit of my brunch. Talk a bit with a mechanical engineering student. Try to come up with an idea about what to write my Othello paper on. Get a bit distracted writing this blog post.

12:00 PM: Pack up my stuff and head to my Parenting and Cultures class.

12: 10 PM: Make it to class and continue writing on this blog post some more. Watch some of my classmates set up their board about a country and their parenting practices.

12: 25 PM: Class begins and I learn about Costa Rica, China, Brazil, Ethiopia, and Denmark and some of their culture and parenting practices.

              Costa Rica has a 97% literacy rate. It also has free healthcare, however, since the religion is predominately Catholic there is more restricted access to get birth control and abortions.

              China has the second largest economy and it (like most East and maybe Southeast Asian countries) practices Confucianism.

              One of Brazil’s top three religions is Mormonism and there has been an education reform recently, however, it’s better to send your kid to somewhere with a private education despite the fact that it costs a lot of money to do so.

              Ethiopia is the most populated landlocked country, it has one of the richest coffees in the world, and typically the father is not present during the birth of his child.

              Denmark is the happiest country in the world, education costs are covered all the way from daycare to college level (it actually pays you to go to school), its birth rate is dropping so there are companies that are paying people to have babies, but instead of money it’s just free baby care stuff.

12: something PM: After hearing the presentations, we’re allowed to go on a gallery like stroll and look at the posters more clearly and try some of the different countries’ food like Danishes (Denmark), limeade without the sugar (Brazil, which brings me back my childhood memories of when my own mother would give me that when I was sick, only it was hot), okay eggrolls (China), Injera, a sourdough flatbread (Ethiopia), and plantain chips (Costa Rica). Talk a bit with other people and eat some leftover Halloween candy that my teacher still had.

1: 45 PM: Class ends, I walk back to the library to read more Othello. Instead, I’m still writing this blog post trying to remember everything.

2:38 PM: I end up writing another blog post that’s scheduled before this one, all the while getting distracted with stock photos, music ,and youtube in general.

              Surprise! You found out my secret. I usually end up scheduling everything in advance. I try to be random as possible so you don’t notice it.

3:25 PM: Procrastinate on my reading for a bit more.

3:50 PM: Pack up and go to the Canticle meeting.

3:52 PM: Make it to the room and found myself guarding the pizza because we forgot the cups for the meeting again. Thankfully a few more people come so I’m not lonely. We end up talking and eating some of the food.

4: 05 ish? PM: The main Canticle workshop guy comes back with the cups and hands out the writing prompts. We end up writing a bit but end up talking more about the election, work, and eating a bit more etc. More people eventually come and then we started complaining about classes. This meeting has basically much turned into a therapy Canticle meeting.

6:00 PM: We get kicked out of the room because it’s now a tutoring space. I end up taking the rest of the Oreos before walking to the Union to wind down a bit, look at Instagram and facebook, and prepare myself for next Monday (that was the day I got a free tattoo and donate to a great cause).

6:50 PM: Walk towards my next club meeting, this time for Students for Choice. Try to not freak out a bit because it’s dark and I still can’t help but think about what happened on Monday.

6:55 PM: Make it to the building where it’s at, but it felt like I was going in circles because there were construction and confusing hallways with room numbers that don’t go in order. Share my Oreos with everybody else because I couldn’t eat anymore.

7:01 PM: In an impromptu camp style circle in the lobby of the building (because we happened to be locked out of our usual room) we have an hour long discussion about what happened on Monday, rape culture, consent, how the school is failing in some ways, what it’s doing right, etc.

8:00 PM: Meeting ends, some of us stay back to make posters for the protest that’s happening in response to the rape, how the school is responding, rape culture, etc. for tomorrow (Friday the 4^th).

8:55 ish PM: We finish making posters, so an acquaintance and I walk to our cars together, getting lost in the building’s confusing hallway, somehow making it outside, end up taking a shortcut and cut through the construction site (that’s already finished, yet the fences are still up), all the while talking about school and such. Eventually, make our separate ways.

9:05 ish PM: Make it to the parking lot that I’m in and notice a blue flashing lot that is most likely a new camera (or two) and security(?) in a corner of the lot. Also, make it to my car safe and sound, and then quickly drive off.

9: 43 ish PM: Made it home, procrastinated on writing this piece, watch youtube videos, and rested.

11:23 ish PM: Finish writing this blog post and procrastinate a bit with KPOP and reading up on tattoo aftercare.

12: 15 AM: Finally finish and then get ready for bed. Good night!

Well, that’s what I end up doing every other Thursday. The other Thursdays when I don’t have club meetings to go to, I just end up studying for whoever knows how long, maybe end up at another school event, and/or try to get more writing in. Tuesdays are slightly different, I don’t grab brunch after accounting and I usually study some more after Parenting and cultures before going home or to work. Also, my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are on a completely different schedule that I might write about one day.

And now the weather:

Talk Less, Sign More - A Ham4Ham by the New York Deaf Theatre and Hamilton cast members

~ Stacy N.

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How to break the model minority stereotype

Me taken from my instagram page here

[x] Get a tattoo
[x] Cut your hair short
[x] Study a subject that doesn't involve the medical, business, engineering (or STEM in general), or law field. (Though, I'm slightly a hypocrite because I am minoring in business.)
[x] Be broke
[x] Not be exclusively East Asian
[x] Procrastinate, go to random events, and not spend every moment of my life studying for school.
[x] Try to be active on issues that I care about like reproductive justice rights, politics, diversity/race, the lgbtqiap+ community, etc.

And now the weather:
How Far I'll Go by Alessia Cara

~ Stacy N.

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