2 truths and a lie

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- I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking.

- I've been going to Arizona every year for the past six years.

- My covid-19 splurge was all of the Sims 4 expansions and packs that were available at the time.

The answer will be revealed at some point in the future.

And now the weather:

Secret Love Song feat. Jason Derulo by Little Mix

~ Stacy N.

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It's 11:11, make a wish

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I accidentally stumbled onto one of my old posts that I made ten years ago. Looking through it, it got me thinking that I still kind of believe in those simple, silly beliefs even till today. Except, it's changed a bit because of location;  with how I'm at work and not school; and the people whom I surround myself with. Anyway, let's see how it's different now.

Legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream.

(found on tumblr)

I can't sleep at night because of various thoughts and activities and probably also not trying hard enough to have a better (but still flexible) bedtime routine. Also, wouldn't it be selfish of me if I thought that I was awake in someone else's dream? Though, it would be flattering indeed. Even though I'm most likely just a background character.

Whenever the necklace clasp is in the front, it means that someone is thinking about you.

(Heard from a friend; and if I recall correctly, if the clasp is on the left a family member is thinking about you or if it ends up on the right side, your crush is thinking about you)

I hope my significant other is always thinking about me. After all, I'm always thinking about them 🎵In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams.🎵 (And in almost every single thought.) It would also make sense why my necklace clasp keeps on moving no matter how often I adjust it.

It’s 11:11, make a wish.

11:11, instead of wishing for happiness I wish for safety now. For everyone around me, and for myself. After going through so much trauma and such, I just want people to be safe. Peace and happiness will follow suit once that hierarchical need is met.

Spin the stem of a fruit while saying the alphabet at the same time. And when the stem comes off at a random letter, it means that you’re going to marry a person whose first or last name starts with whatever letter you’ve stopped at.

 (A silly thing my friend made up in eighth grade)

At this point in time, I always try to get the stem off on either one of the letters in my beloved's initials. It doesn't work though.  xD It's probably a good thing too considering that I don't really want to get married. (Who knows if my mind will change.) 

Now let's see if those beliefs will stay with me for another ten years.

And now the weather: 

Paper Rings by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

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What is that?

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I'm slowly getting some gray (technically white) hairs. Of course, I always end up plucking it out, and thankfully it's a strand or two every few months or so. I can't help but be amazed by it because it's interesting to me how much melanin just disappeared in that one strand and only that one strand. However, I'm also always freaking out because oh shit that's a white hair and I'm too young to be getting old.

Thinking about it though, it's most likely caused by stress and genetics. One of my biological uncles' hair turned fully gray when he was in college! Even younger than me! He was also facing a lot of stress too from being a Việt Nam War refugee, adjusting to a new country, family expectations, etc. 

What do I have to stress about? I'm grateful that I don't have to flee a crumbling country or deal with my grandfather's harshness directly. However, there were other family dramas/trauma to deal with, alongside the stress of school and living in general. And those thoughts are always on my mind, no matter how much I try to let it pass like a cloud in the sky.

Eventually, I have to learn how to be okay with it. After all, it's completely normal according to this University of Utah Health podcast. Plus, I have another 10 years before my hair will really start graying. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to freak out about it still (I am still a bit vain about my hair after all of this time.) Thankfully, I can always pluck it out still.

And now the weather:

Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

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I still don't feel like an adult adult

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What I didn't realize about adulthood: 

• Always asking for a more adult adult. (Help, I still feel like a kid.)
• How many bags you end up accumulating in your lifetime. (I have so many plastic, paper, tote bags, and other kinds of bags.)
• Not wanting kids is a completely normal feeling. (Also seems to be common amongst the people I'm around.)
• Endless cycles of keeping the kitchen clean mainly. (So many crumbs.)
• How many phone calls you end up making to get things done. (Doctor one, specialist two, politician three.)
• A lot of password sharing that is done with your partner/family/friends. (Jokingly, does anyone have peacock?)
• Forever figuring out what to eat. (Am I really in a cereal mood or do I just want it because it's right there?)
• Endlessly being disappointed in politics and the state of the world. (Oh the Supreme Court, you're totally apolitical.)
• Community is everywhere, you just have to be willing to go out there and find it. (It's still pretty scary and kind of tiring putting myself out there.)
• How everything just ends up repeating itself over and over again. (Hello, I'm so and so and I'm from Utah, and no I am not a Mormon.)
• Making friends is hard, maintaining them is even harder. (There isn't a common factor of school at this point.)
• Planning things takes a minimum of a month in advance. (Probably a bit different for everyone, but that's been true for me for all of my various friend groups so far.)
• How you tell the same story over and over again to different groups of people. (I remember that one time...)
• How you slowly become a bit like your parents in a way. (Why yes I'm aware that I also have organized piles everywhere, much like my dad.)
• The same complaints that fall out of my mouth. (Oh Seattle drivers, please follow the fudging road signs and lines on the road!)
• There is no one size fits all. (Whether it's clothes or skincare advice or anything else in between.)
• Some old dogs really do not want to learn new tricks. (Not just talking about actual dogs either.)
• A lot of people actually don't know how to sincerely apologize. (Saying, it's just a joke isn't an apology nor is getting out the ukelele to sing about it.)
• Water is the ultimate adult drink. (I'm still terrible at staying hydrated though.)
• How important art and the humanities are and how it's everywhere in life. (The billboards, websites, movies, books, and such doesn't become that from ai btw.)
• The oh-my-gosh-I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever-we-should-totally-hang-out-soon. And some/most of the time that doesn't actually happen. (A lot of words, not enough action, and I admit some of it is my fault too.)
• Learning how to be okay with both loss and change. (If that didn't happen, I would have never grown up.)
• How your childhood affects your whole life. (A thought that I'm very much aware of as I live my day-to-day life.)
• How your parents (and really everyone) also didn't know shit and how they're figuring it out one day at a time too.

And now the weather:

Theme Song (I'm Far Away) (From the "MOOMINVALLEY" Official Soundtrack) by MØ

~ Stacy N.

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Jesus, it's brutal out there

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I'm conflicted between wanting to die because I live in the United States.  (It is doing its best to make sure that I die because I don't have the cis-white-male-class-straight privilege.) While not wanting to live in any other place in the world because they don't seem to understand the weirdness (and particular kind of systematic oppression) that constantly goes on in the United States. Plus I genuinely like the United State's diversity and its fighting spirit to make it an equitable place for everyone in it, even if it means prison and death.

At the same time, I am very much aware that oppression, especially systematic oppression is also everywhere in the world. (I mean look at France.) I was just focused on the United States in particular because I'm the idiot that happens to live in it still. 

No wonder why my generation is the way it is. Yet, I'm still proud of it in a way. 

And now the weather:

vampire by Oliva Rodrigo

~ Stacy N.

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Loss

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu from Pexels

Growing up means learning how to be (kind of) okay with loss. Whether it's about losing:

Schools

Jobs

Family 

Friends 

Pets 

Movies 

Shows  

Toys

Wallets

Childhood

Adulthood

Something silly like your favorite pen

Food

Coworkers 

Stories

Memories

Opportunities

Experiences

Etc.

It's okay to grieve and take your time doing it. 

Just remember to come back because there's still a lot to live for.

And now the weather:

Jude's Song by Connor Price

~ Stacy N.

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More than one home

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I miss the Utah mountains, the dryness,  the red deserts, the purple sunsets, the closeness of nature, the Hispanic cuisine, the uniqueness of the Great Salt Lake, and its peculiarness amongst America. However, it's still not enough to make me want to go back. It was a good home for a giant chunk of my life. However, there was a stillness, a being stuck in a jello feeling that I had after college. And I needed to get out.

I had to. 

Especially for my mental health and learning how to process everything that was going on in my life.

Honestly, I didn't expect Seattle to be that place. But after some adjusting, I'm glad it was that place that I needed to be in for the moment.

And now the weather:

This Adventure Time clip

~ Stacy N.

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Reminding myself to rest

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I feel like a dandelion whose puffs are floating through the air and landing on so many different things. Have I stretched myself too thin sometimes? Yes. But for the moment, I do not mind it. (I will grow back.)

And now the weather:

Still into You by Paramore

~ Stacy N.

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There's a fuzzy spiral in my mind...

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... And I don't know if I can ever control it even with all of the resources that are at my fingertips. Sometimes I just want to rest forever rather than deal with it. However, there is still so much to life that I want to explore. Especially with you. ❤️

And now the weather:

Cupid (TwinVer.) by FIFTY FIFTY

~ Stacy N.

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I don't let the dmv know what my actual weight is

Picture by Bigc Studio on Vecteezy

Dear me,

I don't know if it's something in my neurodivergent brain or self-denial, but I don't let people (other than two people) know what my actual weight is. It's not even something to be ashamed of. However, after hearing so many comments of praise on how skinny I am and how it's the perfect amount that triggered something in my brain. Even though I am very much aware that I have been trying to gain weight my whole life. Now, I'm at a weight I am perfectly comfortable with.

However, that did not stop me from going through a bit of disordered eating like not eating enough meals or technically not getting enough calories for the day causing me to feel a bit dizzy and get headaches. It was bad after graduating from university because I ended up going through intermittent fasting even though that was not good for my body at all. There was also overeating at other points in my life, which did not feel good either. It did not help that my immigrant parents also engrained into my mind the don't waste your food mentality (there was never enough food for all five of us.) That and witnessing my sisters go through their own problems with food and dieting and the need to look beautiful, again that triggered something in me.

Now, I'm at a healthy BMI (I am still very much aware that has its own problems); and I am learning that it is okay to not eat everything on my plate (it's okay to save it for next time.) Sure, my three custom-made áo dài feel a bit tight, but they have served me very well at all of these fun events. Plus, I can't say no to a new áo dài. Also, I am aware that diet culture is toxic as fuck, and that you shouldn't deny yourself what your body wants. Instead, add to it to make it more nutritious in a way. Eat the ice cream, add fruit to it though, and nuts and honey and other healthy stuff. Eat the cookie, just add Greek yogurt, honey, and other nutrient-dense foods to it. Like life shouldn't be about losing weight and being skinny as fuck and denying yourself the fun things in life. That's just being miserable.

And it's miserable too that I can't admit to others what my actual weight is. I can't let myself be what everyone expects me to be. I just have to prove to myself that I am just myself.

And now the weather:

2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) by Lizzo

~ Stacy N.

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My book habits make the most uptight bookreaders cringe

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 One day a "friend" made a Facebook post that was indirectly related to my books. It was about if you have a book series, it should either be all in hardcovers or all in paperbacks, there should be no mixing of any kind. For me, I don't give a fuck. As long as I have all of the books in the series, I'm happy. It will all be read anyways.

Other things I do that piss off those who gatekeep the book community, I write in my own books. Never a library book or books that I'm borrowing from people because I am very much aware that they're not mine. I dogear pages that stand out to me. I leave washi tape/sticky notes everywhere in my hardcovers (I still cannot write in a hardcover to this day, that is my limit.)

I'm not going to tell other readers what they can or cannot do and do the whole gatekeeping and uppity-tight thing. And I'm a bookseller for a living so that lends itself to some credibility. However, I do have to tell other readers that if they have not paid for a book, please don't write in it, spill your drink in it, dogear it, bend it really far back, and other words ruin it because it is not your book. (That is when I do have to do the whole gatekeeping and be uppity tight because I have a business to run still.)

All in all though, if it's your own personal book do whatever you want with it. In the end, it's a private conversation between you and the story and I am not going to interrupt that. If it makes you super duper happy to get multiple editions of the same book, go right on ahead. Again that is between you and the story. If you don't care about mixing your book series with all kinds of formats, go right on ahead because again that is between you and the story. I don't care about the reason at all. I don't care if all you listen to is just audiobooks. I don't care if you go with one e-reader over another. I don't care where you get your books (most of the time.) I just care that you enjoy reading and that you're willing to nerd over it with other book dragons.

And it's also a beautiful thing to see people be deeply affected by storytelling in their own way.

And now the weather: 

Bi Wife Energy by Cringe and the Lizards

~ Stacy N.

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Past me freaking out

 

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Dear future me,

I've graduated, and I'm still freaking out, stressed, and feeling so lost about what to do next. Whatever, I end up doing not only affects me but everyone else around me. However, a part of me is feeling kind of glad that I am not the only one going through this at least. And that no matter what happens, I will still have a support system that hopefully won't fall through anytime soon.

Dear past me,

Everything ended up alright. And you know what, fuck those who ever doubted me (even if one of them is past me.) I still love you, you got this, just breathe.

 

Sincerely,

present me

 

And now the weather:
Hundred by Khalid

~ Stacy N.

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Space in relationships

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Dear younger me who was first getting into her first serious relationship, 

You don't realize just how much physical space can affect your relationship, especially if you live together. A studio is nice and cheap, but it's also nice to go into a room to do your own thing away from your own partner for a bit. Don't forget to do your own hobbies, play your own games, and talk to your own friends who also aren't friends with your partner. In other words, don't be glued to your partner's side every single second of the day. That will breed resentment, as you soon realize at some point in time.

At the same time, don't forget to make intentional time for your partner. As in do date nights/date-like activities together like watching planes and eating snacks. Give a kiss and cuddle every time you all wake up and as soon as you get home. Because as you also realize there is never enough time together amidst all the craziness of work, volunteering, and other different types of hobbies you two do outside of each other.

It's weird trying to balance it all, but you make it work. It's hard at times, but as long as you two communicate with each other, it's fine.

And now the weather:

Waffle House by the Jonas Brothers

~ Stacy N.

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i am typing in lowercase for a reason

photo by alena darmel on pexels

dear me,

do you know what sucks? trauma and dysfunctional families. it got to the point where i started crying when reading books by vietnamese american authors this year. all because it hit waaaaay too close to home. shit, it felt like i am in those strange family relationships at this point in my life. and you know what? crying is okay, and i have a support system that i can count on to help me get through this. even though i am not willing to spill the beans on what my family life is like, at least i know people will be there to at least keep my mind off of things. even though i know i should go to therapy for this. but hey, at least it's not drugs or anything very self-destructive. so yay on that part.

sincerely,

a mess of a being

and now the weather:

numb little bug by em beihold

~ stacy n.

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good luck bro

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Hero's Journey

Go on it, and then in the end you teach others about what you've learned. 

In this case, teaching my brother about what I've learned in the hopes that he doesn't repeat the past.

I don't know if it worked. But I do know that I worry about him. And I hope that he doesn't end up making the same mistakes that a lot of other people end up making.

But let's see what fate has in store for him. And if stuff happens, stuff happens. All I could do is warn him, but not interfere with the outcome (under very limited circumstances.) After all, it is his life and he needs to face it.

From,

a very worried sister

And now the weather:

Moominvalley Movie 2019 Soundtrack

~ Stacy N.

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I got used to whiteness for so long that color is so foreign to me

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Dear Utah me,

The other day I was at my local library looking for my name among the holds. And I forgot that I'm not the only Vietnamese person with the last name, (insert super common Vietnamese surname) anymore so it took a while to find my book. It was pretty small, but a significant reminder to myself that I'm surrounded by diversity and a community that actively tries to make itself inclusive to everyone. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere on this speckle of a planet.

It also made me miss my parents because I know they would have loved it here and felt like they also belonged too. In a country, an ocean away from what they have known. Plus, it's nice to see the library (and the state) actively help people get integrated vs people having to give up themselves to assimilate into a country that actively tries to crush people to the ground.

I could almost breathe a sigh of relief, but that will never come because of America. But still, I do appreciate places that do try.

From,

Washington state me

And now the weather:

Nghe Em by Thịnh Suy

~ Stacy N.

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Vietnam stole my heart

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"My heart is here, the Lady of Many Tongues had said days before. Here, where I see how beautiful Đà Lạt is. I had thought the same of Saigon, despite the smoke and lights and buildings—how it could've been mine in another life. A different one, not necessarily better or worse." ~ She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

I know it's cheesy to say that, but it's true.

In some way, going to Vietnam for the first time helped me figure out that I'm not alone in this universe and that I still belong somewhere. Even though a lot of Vietnamese people don't view me as Vietnamese at all or more Việt Kiều than anything else. I feel like a fucking oddity, honestly. I can understand the language to a certain extent depending on the context clues given, but when it comes to speaking... Well, a baby can speak it better than me at this point.

Everyone is also always trying to show me how to eat Việt food, even though I grew up eating it. And there are always the comments about my body, cao quá, and wow, you're so skinny. (That does not help my eating issues.)

It's annoying and sometimes frustrating. 

Yet despite it all, my heart bloomed when I was over there. And a part of it is still over there. 

If it weren't for world events that led to one thing after another, which eventually led to my parents coming to the United States, maybe, just maybe, I would have been born in Vietnam and had a different life. Not necessarily better or worse, but it would have been mine.

And now the weather:

girls like me don't cry (remix) by thuy ft. MIN

~ Stacy N.

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What my mother taught me

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Dear mẹ của con,

Thank you for teaching me how to not give a fuck about what I'm wearing. After all, the most important thing is my smile and confidence, of course.

Even though it feels hard to do since it feels so engrained in Vietnamese (or is it more Việt kiều?) culture to one-up each other; pass judgment onto others; and turn everything into a competition. And the best way to prove that you come from a respectable (or at least decent) family is to show that in your clothing.

That gets tiring. I just want to dress up as a slob sometimes and show others that what really matters is your morals. After all, that's what's going to be judged in the afterlife. Not our clothing choices, but your actions and values and all that. 

Oh yeah, you also taught me to massage my face (which I still don't ever do.)

And now the weather:

Thanh by Thịnh Suy

~ Stacy N.

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A thought while reading She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

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As a Vietnamese person, you just learn to live with ghosts.

It doesn't matter if you believe in them or not.

After all, we all know someone who's died whether directly or indirectly. In some way tied back to the war of course. The ripples from that still making waves years later that I don't think will ever stop honestly. The most we can do is just acknowledge it and continue on with our life. 

And now the weather:

when the party's over by Pentatonix

~ Stacy N.

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To my barely college graduated self

Taken by my dear friend, Linda

Dear present me as of 2019,

Well, I finally graduated from college after four years and a lot of things later. And it just hit me, and now I'm feeling kind of sad. It was a good chapter of my life that I will never forget, and I learned a lot of things from it. However, I cannot let that chapter hold me back from living the rest of my life, even if I will miss it dearly.

Dear past me,

I do not miss it dearly. I miss certain moments of it, but I don't dwell on it. It felt very freeing growing up and doing whatever I (legally and ethically right) want. And honestly, I think you would be proud to see the growth I've made since then. Even if it is very wonky.

From,

present me as of 2023

And now the weather:
Thank You by Pentatonix 

~ Stacy N.

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