2 truths and a lie

Photo by Dalesthetics on Pexels

- I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking.

- I've been going to Arizona every year for the past six years.

- My covid-19 splurge was all of the Sims 4 expansions and packs that were available at the time.

The answer will be revealed at some point in the future.

And now the weather:

Secret Love Song feat. Jason Derulo by Little Mix

~ Stacy N.

Read More

It's 11:11, make a wish

Photo by Anna Nekrashevich on Pexels

I accidentally stumbled onto one of my old posts that I made ten years ago. Looking through it, it got me thinking that I still kind of believe in those simple, silly beliefs even till today. Except, it's changed a bit because of location;  with how I'm at work and not school; and the people whom I surround myself with. Anyway, let's see how it's different now.

Legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream.

(found on tumblr)

I can't sleep at night because of various thoughts and activities and probably also not trying hard enough to have a better (but still flexible) bedtime routine. Also, wouldn't it be selfish of me if I thought that I was awake in someone else's dream? Though, it would be flattering indeed. Even though I'm most likely just a background character.

Whenever the necklace clasp is in the front, it means that someone is thinking about you.

(Heard from a friend; and if I recall correctly, if the clasp is on the left a family member is thinking about you or if it ends up on the right side, your crush is thinking about you)

I hope my significant other is always thinking about me. After all, I'm always thinking about them 🎵In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams.🎵 (And in almost every single thought.) It would also make sense why my necklace clasp keeps on moving no matter how often I adjust it.

It’s 11:11, make a wish.

11:11, instead of wishing for happiness I wish for safety now. For everyone around me, and for myself. After going through so much trauma and such, I just want people to be safe. Peace and happiness will follow suit once that hierarchical need is met.

Spin the stem of a fruit while saying the alphabet at the same time. And when the stem comes off at a random letter, it means that you’re going to marry a person whose first or last name starts with whatever letter you’ve stopped at.

 (A silly thing my friend made up in eighth grade)

At this point in time, I always try to get the stem off on either one of the letters in my beloved's initials. It doesn't work though.  xD It's probably a good thing too considering that I don't really want to get married. (Who knows if my mind will change.) 

Now let's see if those beliefs will stay with me for another ten years.

And now the weather: 

Paper Rings by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What is that?

Photo by Nichole Sebastian on Pexels

I'm slowly getting some gray (technically white) hairs. Of course, I always end up plucking it out, and thankfully it's a strand or two every few months or so. I can't help but be amazed by it because it's interesting to me how much melanin just disappeared in that one strand and only that one strand. However, I'm also always freaking out because oh shit that's a white hair and I'm too young to be getting old.

Thinking about it though, it's most likely caused by stress and genetics. One of my biological uncles' hair turned fully gray when he was in college! Even younger than me! He was also facing a lot of stress too from being a Việt Nam War refugee, adjusting to a new country, family expectations, etc. 

What do I have to stress about? I'm grateful that I don't have to flee a crumbling country or deal with my grandfather's harshness directly. However, there were other family dramas/trauma to deal with, alongside the stress of school and living in general. And those thoughts are always on my mind, no matter how much I try to let it pass like a cloud in the sky.

Eventually, I have to learn how to be okay with it. After all, it's completely normal according to this University of Utah Health podcast. Plus, I have another 10 years before my hair will really start graying. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to freak out about it still (I am still a bit vain about my hair after all of this time.) Thankfully, I can always pluck it out still.

And now the weather:

Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

Read More

I still don't feel like an adult adult

Photo by Thgusstavo Santana on Pexels

What I didn't realize about adulthood: 

• Always asking for a more adult adult. (Help, I still feel like a kid.)
• How many bags you end up accumulating in your lifetime. (I have so many plastic, paper, tote bags, and other kinds of bags.)
• Not wanting kids is a completely normal feeling. (Also seems to be common amongst the people I'm around.)
• Endless cycles of keeping the kitchen clean mainly. (So many crumbs.)
• How many phone calls you end up making to get things done. (Doctor one, specialist two, politician three.)
• A lot of password sharing that is done with your partner/family/friends. (Jokingly, does anyone have peacock?)
• Forever figuring out what to eat. (Am I really in a cereal mood or do I just want it because it's right there?)
• Endlessly being disappointed in politics and the state of the world. (Oh the Supreme Court, you're totally apolitical.)
• Community is everywhere, you just have to be willing to go out there and find it. (It's still pretty scary and kind of tiring putting myself out there.)
• How everything just ends up repeating itself over and over again. (Hello, I'm so and so and I'm from Utah, and no I am not a Mormon.)
• Making friends is hard, maintaining them is even harder. (There isn't a common factor of school at this point.)
• Planning things takes a minimum of a month in advance. (Probably a bit different for everyone, but that's been true for me for all of my various friend groups so far.)
• How you tell the same story over and over again to different groups of people. (I remember that one time...)
• How you slowly become a bit like your parents in a way. (Why yes I'm aware that I also have organized piles everywhere, much like my dad.)
• The same complaints that fall out of my mouth. (Oh Seattle drivers, please follow the fudging road signs and lines on the road!)
• There is no one size fits all. (Whether it's clothes or skincare advice or anything else in between.)
• Some old dogs really do not want to learn new tricks. (Not just talking about actual dogs either.)
• A lot of people actually don't know how to sincerely apologize. (Saying, it's just a joke isn't an apology nor is getting out the ukelele to sing about it.)
• Water is the ultimate adult drink. (I'm still terrible at staying hydrated though.)
• How important art and the humanities are and how it's everywhere in life. (The billboards, websites, movies, books, and such doesn't become that from ai btw.)
• The oh-my-gosh-I-haven't-seen-you-in-forever-we-should-totally-hang-out-soon. And some/most of the time that doesn't actually happen. (A lot of words, not enough action, and I admit some of it is my fault too.)
• Learning how to be okay with both loss and change. (If that didn't happen, I would have never grown up.)
• How your childhood affects your whole life. (A thought that I'm very much aware of as I live my day-to-day life.)
• How your parents (and really everyone) also didn't know shit and how they're figuring it out one day at a time too.

And now the weather:

Theme Song (I'm Far Away) (From the "MOOMINVALLEY" Official Soundtrack) by MØ

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Jesus, it's brutal out there

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels

I'm conflicted between wanting to die because I live in the United States.  (It is doing its best to make sure that I die because I don't have the cis-white-male-class-straight privilege.) While not wanting to live in any other place in the world because they don't seem to understand the weirdness (and particular kind of systematic oppression) that constantly goes on in the United States. Plus I genuinely like the United State's diversity and its fighting spirit to make it an equitable place for everyone in it, even if it means prison and death.

At the same time, I am very much aware that oppression, especially systematic oppression is also everywhere in the world. (I mean look at France.) I was just focused on the United States in particular because I'm the idiot that happens to live in it still. 

No wonder why my generation is the way it is. Yet, I'm still proud of it in a way. 

And now the weather:

vampire by Oliva Rodrigo

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Loss

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu from Pexels

Growing up means learning how to be (kind of) okay with loss. Whether it's about losing:

Schools

Jobs

Family 

Friends 

Pets 

Movies 

Shows  

Toys

Wallets

Childhood

Adulthood

Something silly like your favorite pen

Food

Coworkers 

Stories

Memories

Opportunities

Experiences

Etc.

It's okay to grieve and take your time doing it. 

Just remember to come back because there's still a lot to live for.

And now the weather:

Jude's Song by Connor Price

~ Stacy N.

Read More

More than one home

Photo by Urvish Prajapati on Pexels

I miss the Utah mountains, the dryness,  the red deserts, the purple sunsets, the closeness of nature, the Hispanic cuisine, the uniqueness of the Great Salt Lake, and its peculiarness amongst America. However, it's still not enough to make me want to go back. It was a good home for a giant chunk of my life. However, there was a stillness, a being stuck in a jello feeling that I had after college. And I needed to get out.

I had to. 

Especially for my mental health and learning how to process everything that was going on in my life.

Honestly, I didn't expect Seattle to be that place. But after some adjusting, I'm glad it was that place that I needed to be in for the moment.

And now the weather:

This Adventure Time clip

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Reminding myself to rest

Photo by Nita on Pexels

I feel like a dandelion whose puffs are floating through the air and landing on so many different things. Have I stretched myself too thin sometimes? Yes. But for the moment, I do not mind it. (I will grow back.)

And now the weather:

Still into You by Paramore

~ Stacy N.

Read More

There's a fuzzy spiral in my mind...

Photo by David Kopacz on Pexels

... And I don't know if I can ever control it even with all of the resources that are at my fingertips. Sometimes I just want to rest forever rather than deal with it. However, there is still so much to life that I want to explore. Especially with you. ❤️

And now the weather:

Cupid (TwinVer.) by FIFTY FIFTY

~ Stacy N.

Read More

I don't let the dmv know what my actual weight is

Picture by Bigc Studio on Vecteezy

Dear me,

I don't know if it's something in my neurodivergent brain or self-denial, but I don't let people (other than two people) know what my actual weight is. It's not even something to be ashamed of. However, after hearing so many comments of praise on how skinny I am and how it's the perfect amount that triggered something in my brain. Even though I am very much aware that I have been trying to gain weight my whole life. Now, I'm at a weight I am perfectly comfortable with.

However, that did not stop me from going through a bit of disordered eating like not eating enough meals or technically not getting enough calories for the day causing me to feel a bit dizzy and get headaches. It was bad after graduating from university because I ended up going through intermittent fasting even though that was not good for my body at all. There was also overeating at other points in my life, which did not feel good either. It did not help that my immigrant parents also engrained into my mind the don't waste your food mentality (there was never enough food for all five of us.) That and witnessing my sisters go through their own problems with food and dieting and the need to look beautiful, again that triggered something in me.

Now, I'm at a healthy BMI (I am still very much aware that has its own problems); and I am learning that it is okay to not eat everything on my plate (it's okay to save it for next time.) Sure, my three custom-made áo dài feel a bit tight, but they have served me very well at all of these fun events. Plus, I can't say no to a new áo dài. Also, I am aware that diet culture is toxic as fuck, and that you shouldn't deny yourself what your body wants. Instead, add to it to make it more nutritious in a way. Eat the ice cream, add fruit to it though, and nuts and honey and other healthy stuff. Eat the cookie, just add Greek yogurt, honey, and other nutrient-dense foods to it. Like life shouldn't be about losing weight and being skinny as fuck and denying yourself the fun things in life. That's just being miserable.

And it's miserable too that I can't admit to others what my actual weight is. I can't let myself be what everyone expects me to be. I just have to prove to myself that I am just myself.

And now the weather:

2 Be Loved (Am I Ready) by Lizzo

~ Stacy N.

Read More

My book habits make the most uptight bookreaders cringe

Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

 One day a "friend" made a Facebook post that was indirectly related to my books. It was about if you have a book series, it should either be all in hardcovers or all in paperbacks, there should be no mixing of any kind. For me, I don't give a fuck. As long as I have all of the books in the series, I'm happy. It will all be read anyways.

Other things I do that piss off those who gatekeep the book community, I write in my own books. Never a library book or books that I'm borrowing from people because I am very much aware that they're not mine. I dogear pages that stand out to me. I leave washi tape/sticky notes everywhere in my hardcovers (I still cannot write in a hardcover to this day, that is my limit.)

I'm not going to tell other readers what they can or cannot do and do the whole gatekeeping and uppity-tight thing. And I'm a bookseller for a living so that lends itself to some credibility. However, I do have to tell other readers that if they have not paid for a book, please don't write in it, spill your drink in it, dogear it, bend it really far back, and other words ruin it because it is not your book. (That is when I do have to do the whole gatekeeping and be uppity tight because I have a business to run still.)

All in all though, if it's your own personal book do whatever you want with it. In the end, it's a private conversation between you and the story and I am not going to interrupt that. If it makes you super duper happy to get multiple editions of the same book, go right on ahead. Again that is between you and the story. If you don't care about mixing your book series with all kinds of formats, go right on ahead because again that is between you and the story. I don't care about the reason at all. I don't care if all you listen to is just audiobooks. I don't care if you go with one e-reader over another. I don't care where you get your books (most of the time.) I just care that you enjoy reading and that you're willing to nerd over it with other book dragons.

And it's also a beautiful thing to see people be deeply affected by storytelling in their own way.

And now the weather: 

Bi Wife Energy by Cringe and the Lizards

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Past me freaking out

 

Photo by Taryn Elliott from Pexels

Dear future me,

I've graduated, and I'm still freaking out, stressed, and feeling so lost about what to do next. Whatever, I end up doing not only affects me but everyone else around me. However, a part of me is feeling kind of glad that I am not the only one going through this at least. And that no matter what happens, I will still have a support system that hopefully won't fall through anytime soon.

Dear past me,

Everything ended up alright. And you know what, fuck those who ever doubted me (even if one of them is past me.) I still love you, you got this, just breathe.

 

Sincerely,

present me

 

And now the weather:
Hundred by Khalid

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Space in relationships

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu from Pexels

Dear younger me who was first getting into her first serious relationship, 

You don't realize just how much physical space can affect your relationship, especially if you live together. A studio is nice and cheap, but it's also nice to go into a room to do your own thing away from your own partner for a bit. Don't forget to do your own hobbies, play your own games, and talk to your own friends who also aren't friends with your partner. In other words, don't be glued to your partner's side every single second of the day. That will breed resentment, as you soon realize at some point in time.

At the same time, don't forget to make intentional time for your partner. As in do date nights/date-like activities together like watching planes and eating snacks. Give a kiss and cuddle every time you all wake up and as soon as you get home. Because as you also realize there is never enough time together amidst all the craziness of work, volunteering, and other different types of hobbies you two do outside of each other.

It's weird trying to balance it all, but you make it work. It's hard at times, but as long as you two communicate with each other, it's fine.

And now the weather:

Waffle House by the Jonas Brothers

~ Stacy N.

Read More

i am typing in lowercase for a reason

photo by alena darmel on pexels

dear me,

do you know what sucks? trauma and dysfunctional families. it got to the point where i started crying when reading books by vietnamese american authors this year. all because it hit waaaaay too close to home. shit, it felt like i am in those strange family relationships at this point in my life. and you know what? crying is okay, and i have a support system that i can count on to help me get through this. even though i am not willing to spill the beans on what my family life is like, at least i know people will be there to at least keep my mind off of things. even though i know i should go to therapy for this. but hey, at least it's not drugs or anything very self-destructive. so yay on that part.

sincerely,

a mess of a being

and now the weather:

numb little bug by em beihold

~ stacy n.

Read More

good luck bro

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels

Hero's Journey

Go on it, and then in the end you teach others about what you've learned. 

In this case, teaching my brother about what I've learned in the hopes that he doesn't repeat the past.

I don't know if it worked. But I do know that I worry about him. And I hope that he doesn't end up making the same mistakes that a lot of other people end up making.

But let's see what fate has in store for him. And if stuff happens, stuff happens. All I could do is warn him, but not interfere with the outcome (under very limited circumstances.) After all, it is his life and he needs to face it.

From,

a very worried sister

And now the weather:

Moominvalley Movie 2019 Soundtrack

~ Stacy N.

Read More

I got used to whiteness for so long that color is so foreign to me

Photo by Element5 Digital on Pexels

Dear Utah me,

The other day I was at my local library looking for my name among the holds. And I forgot that I'm not the only Vietnamese person with the last name, (insert super common Vietnamese surname) anymore so it took a while to find my book. It was pretty small, but a significant reminder to myself that I'm surrounded by diversity and a community that actively tries to make itself inclusive to everyone. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere on this speckle of a planet.

It also made me miss my parents because I know they would have loved it here and felt like they also belonged too. In a country, an ocean away from what they have known. Plus, it's nice to see the library (and the state) actively help people get integrated vs people having to give up themselves to assimilate into a country that actively tries to crush people to the ground.

I could almost breathe a sigh of relief, but that will never come because of America. But still, I do appreciate places that do try.

From,

Washington state me

And now the weather:

Nghe Em by Thịnh Suy

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Vietnam stole my heart

Photo by Phil Nguyen on Pexels

"My heart is here, the Lady of Many Tongues had said days before. Here, where I see how beautiful Đà Lạt is. I had thought the same of Saigon, despite the smoke and lights and buildings—how it could've been mine in another life. A different one, not necessarily better or worse." ~ She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

I know it's cheesy to say that, but it's true.

In some way, going to Vietnam for the first time helped me figure out that I'm not alone in this universe and that I still belong somewhere. Even though a lot of Vietnamese people don't view me as Vietnamese at all or more Việt Kiều than anything else. I feel like a fucking oddity, honestly. I can understand the language to a certain extent depending on the context clues given, but when it comes to speaking... Well, a baby can speak it better than me at this point.

Everyone is also always trying to show me how to eat Việt food, even though I grew up eating it. And there are always the comments about my body, cao quá, and wow, you're so skinny. (That does not help my eating issues.)

It's annoying and sometimes frustrating. 

Yet despite it all, my heart bloomed when I was over there. And a part of it is still over there. 

If it weren't for world events that led to one thing after another, which eventually led to my parents coming to the United States, maybe, just maybe, I would have been born in Vietnam and had a different life. Not necessarily better or worse, but it would have been mine.

And now the weather:

girls like me don't cry (remix) by thuy ft. MIN

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What my mother taught me

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels

Dear mẹ của con,

Thank you for teaching me how to not give a fuck about what I'm wearing. After all, the most important thing is my smile and confidence, of course.

Even though it feels hard to do since it feels so engrained in Vietnamese (or is it more Việt kiều?) culture to one-up each other; pass judgment onto others; and turn everything into a competition. And the best way to prove that you come from a respectable (or at least decent) family is to show that in your clothing.

That gets tiring. I just want to dress up as a slob sometimes and show others that what really matters is your morals. After all, that's what's going to be judged in the afterlife. Not our clothing choices, but your actions and values and all that. 

Oh yeah, you also taught me to massage my face (which I still don't ever do.)

And now the weather:

Thanh by Thịnh Suy

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A thought while reading She Is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

Photo by Airam Dato-on on Pexels

As a Vietnamese person, you just learn to live with ghosts.

It doesn't matter if you believe in them or not.

After all, we all know someone who's died whether directly or indirectly. In some way tied back to the war of course. The ripples from that still making waves years later that I don't think will ever stop honestly. The most we can do is just acknowledge it and continue on with our life. 

And now the weather:

when the party's over by Pentatonix

~ Stacy N.

Read More

To my barely college graduated self

Taken by my dear friend, Linda

Dear present me as of 2019,

Well, I finally graduated from college after four years and a lot of things later. And it just hit me, and now I'm feeling kind of sad. It was a good chapter of my life that I will never forget, and I learned a lot of things from it. However, I cannot let that chapter hold me back from living the rest of my life, even if I will miss it dearly.

Dear past me,

I do not miss it dearly. I miss certain moments of it, but I don't dwell on it. It felt very freeing growing up and doing whatever I (legally and ethically right) want. And honestly, I think you would be proud to see the growth I've made since then. Even if it is very wonky.

From,

present me as of 2023

And now the weather:
Thank You by Pentatonix 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Proof that I was thinking about this blog back in 2020

Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels

Nine years ago, I started a blog to share my thoughts. And it always seemed like I had something to say. Whether it was about books, college, what I miss about home, and such. Now, it seems like I don't have much to say at all. It's like my thoughts have all dried up. Well technically, my public thoughts have all dried up. I've become a hermit in a way, retreating to my shell because I don't want the world to judge me knowing it will be used against me in some way. 

That makes me sad because I used to not care about what the world thought. After all, the only opinion that really matters is mine. And that is still very much true. And I still have a lot to say, I do. I just haven't made myself actually sit down and reflect on everything lately because honestly, I don't feel like thinking. Which is not ideal and probably not healthy in some way. But oh well.

And now the weather:

Ronan by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

Read More

From April 2022 Stacy

Photo by Aviv Perets on Pexels

Dear future me,

Living gets harder the older I become. I never asked to be born, I never asked to learn about all the shitty family secrets or technically the knowledge or stories or whatever. I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what to say about it. They're like sand passing through my fingers. There and then gone, but I still remember it. And it feels like a burden that just adds to the mountain called generational trauma.

I guess the best I can do is just move on and let time slowly wash them away.

And now the weather: 

Not My Proudest Moment by Anna Akana

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What I've learned while working in a bookstore (Especially a big one.)

Photo by Alican Helik on Pexels

- How far from romantic it is. (It's no stepping on a wall ladder and rolling over like in that one Beauty and the Beast scene.)

- How dusty the whole place can get very quickly. Literally, you're just breathing in dust all day.
- How very dry your hands can become because of all the books and dust (as you may notice, it's not very humid inside of one for good reasons)
- You don't read during your shift most of the time.

- You have homework: reading. Albeit, it's any book that you want.

- How heavy books get.

- So many paper cuts and cardboard cuts.
- You're a  nerd, they're a nerd, everyone is a nerd.
- How much stuff we receive on a daily basis and how fast they can sell out.
- New books are published on a Tuesday and new music come out on a Friday.
-  It's still very much a retail business.

- You have to love reading in the first place to even be working here.

- The smell of books is amazing and very calming.

- Also the smell of books can be like a laxative called the Mariko Aoki phenomenon. Mix that with coffee and our bathrooms are always seeing brown every single day.
- It's hard to choose something for employee recommendations because there are so many books you want to recommend.
- Yes, people still buy books, a bookstore isn't just for looking around in.

- Book tok + covid pandemic = very high sales. And it's still going strong. It also helps the fact that people realize that looking at a screen all day can be very tiring.
- Bookstores are community centers that Amazon did not realize when they temporarily had their brick-and-mortar stores.
- All the interesting book requests we can get.

- Big bookstore chains are just as important because it's one of the few places that can truly offer a wide selection of anything and everything like indie authors, local authors, manga, and even music, games, and gift product.
- There is a 100% chance that there's a book for that, but unfortunately we most likely don't have it if it's super obscure or out of print.
- There's a lot of stuff you want to buy, but can't quite afford with your paycheck even with the discount.

- There are quite a bit of people who will mistake a bookstore for the library, even if there is a library literally right next door to you.
- There are more movies and shows based on books than you've expected.
- There's most likely a book for everybody you know if you look hard enough.
- How many political/domestic affairs books have come out since Trump has become president (a bit unheard of for a president) and it's mainly the older generation buying them.
- How many books James Patterson "writes" in a year (it's a lot more than Stephen King and Nora Roberts.)

- James Patterson loves to release his books on a Monday instead of the usual Tuesday date that everyone else follows.
- How an author can be in multiple genres at once.
- How the same title can be in multiple places at once (like both kids and adult or kids and young adult), all that's different is the cover and the size.
- There's also a magazine for everything.
- There's most likely a game for it too and a plush animal and a bookmark and just buy the whole gift department, please. 
- How very, very, very busy it can get during the holiday season.

- It's better to start your shopping early so you can easily get what you want in time.
- How awkward it can be sometimes to talk to customers. (Oh the stories I can tell with that.)
- How messy the book floor can get very quickly.

- How sometimes you can't even trust the computer about if you have the correct amount of so and so in the store.

- Bibles, Robert Greene books, manga, and coloring books. What do they have in common? People love stealing them for whatever reason.

- It feels like I'm a security guard more times than naught.

- The people who work in a bookstore still very much enjoy being and shopping in a bookstore despite all the craziness.
- How very fulfilling it is when someone picks up a book that you've personally recommended and they actually love it.

And now the weather:

gold rush by Taylor Swift

~ Stacy N.

Read More

It's in the little things

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels

Dear younger me,

Things that I never noticed make up a long-term relationship till now*:

- Joining AAA together on the same account. 

- Moving in with each other and being on the same lease

- Going to the same mechanic. 

- Taking each other out to things that excite the other person because you want to see the joy on their faces.

- Cuddling with each other every night because it helps us sleep. 

- Finishing the last of the whole milk even though we're both lactose intolerant. (My butt and the toilet were not very happy with that.)

- Helping make a dish even though the smell gives you a headache. 

- Giving each other space to do our own activities.

- Getting the same shared apps on our phones so we both can be equally annoyed by the home security system while scanning receipts to earn points for fun things and enjoying the clean air from our air purifier.

- Watching a million shows together and trusting the other person doesn't watch it without us.

- Farting in front of each other. 

- Still accepting each other after seeing the other person at their worst and lowest points.

- Taking care of the other person when they're sick and having them take care of you too. (Even if said person was the one who got you sick in the first place.)

- Getting the other person their favorite snacks every time you go out just because.

- Laughing at the dumbest things.

- Trusting that the other person won't crash your car when they drive it. (Especially if said car is a fancy-ass luxury vehicle.)

- Taking accountability and responsibility and a willingness to change when you messed up, especially if it hurt those closest to you.

- Learning how to apologize sincerely and not backhandedly.

- Creating boundaries and respecting the other person's boundaries.

- Being comfortable with each other in all kinds of situations and environments. (Note to self: avoid the bathroom for a little bit when he's pooping though.)

- Helping each other out with the chores and trying to not make it too heavy-handed to the point where one person is doing most of the work.

- Lots of kisses. xoxo xoxo

- Also a lot of I love yous, drive safe, be careful, and what not. 

- Sharing a lot of streaming services together, might as well throw in Nintendo too. 

- Trusting that your partner is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves while you're not there.

- Sharing a bunch of videos and memes with each other, even if we're right next to each other.

- Sharing a Costco membership with each other.

- And many other things, but overall we're still learning more about each other while still growing up alongside each other and loving each other even when the clouds are gray and stormy as they pass over the sky. 

*Different for every relationship.

And now the weather:

 Little Bit More by Suriel Hess

~ Stacy N.

Read More

To all the guys I've seriously considered

Photo by Min An on Pexels

Dear #1, 

You were the light switch. You turned me on, but also off. It was a static shock when I first met you, even though we never touched that first day we met. Or technically it was a click.

Turns out that having the same birthday means having the same similarities like being natural flirts and easily making connections with other people. And I couldn't handle that at the time. Ironically enough I was also unintentionally talking to other guys during our time together. It led nowhere of course because it was just you. 

From, 

The hypocrite

Dear #2, 

We were never a thing, even though I wanted us to be. You were a wildfire, or was it a controlled burn? Anyway, there was also a spark between us. And like fire, it took a long time for you to burn and eventually fizzle away into nothing. I hope you're doing alright. And thanks for listening to me during that tumultuous time when America went even more downhill. 

Best wishes, 

Someone just as destructive

Dear #3, 

You're our favorite dumpling place. A random experience, but I can never get enough, and it's always in my mind. I joke that I moved here because of that place, but we all know it was because of you. Thank you for sticking by my side and for being so delicious and for feeling like home. To many more years.

Xoxo, 

You know who 

And now the weather: 

dreamy night by Us The Duo (a LilyPichu cover)

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Seattle has grown on me

Photo by Brandie Robbins on Pexels

Dear me,

Seattle has grown on me. The other day when I was on the bridge looking at the two sports stadiums and the city skyscrapers, with a bit of the Puget Sound water peeking through, I couldn't help but feel a bit of calmness and peace. And it made me realize that there are things that I love about the city despite the Seattle freeze and traffic and the narrowness of everything. In no particular order, here they are.

- The food here is pretty good, especially Dough Zone and the seafood. I also love how there are more places to find durian desserts. Just don't expect the food scene to be on the same level as California or New York, however. I also still miss bomb ass Mexican food that the Southwest has. But that makes me determined to find the best Mexican food that this place offers (a few places have come pretty damn close.)

- I love the glass and the reflection of it all, and how it sparkles in a way. Making up for the fact that you could barely see the stars at night, but hey city lights won't blow up and destroy everything nearby the way stars inevitably do.

- I love how everyone loves being outside. It reminds me of Utah in a way, with all the outdoorsyness.  Whenever it's sunny (and surprisingly there's been a lot of sun lately) there are so many people out. No matter what time of year it is or how cold it is.

- There's always something going on event-wise. So if you're ever bored it's easy to find something to do.

- This is one nerdy ass place. Roleplaying games are super popular here along with a bunch of places to game at. Back in Utah, I only know of one place and it doesn't have good boba tea. Please just get their coffee if you ever happen upon it.

 

- There's a lot of diversity, albeit microaggressions can still happen. The other day, a white customer told me that Martin isn't a Chinese name. I promptly told her that one of my Asian friends is literally named Martin. She bowed out after that.

This leads me to my next point, this is someone's opinion that I heard on the radio the other day, but people here do not like to admit that they messed up when you do address their microaggressive comment. The person then unintentionally does more racist shit that albeit is nice in intention, but it doesn't quite work out sometimes. 

Plus, the history of Asians in the Pacific Northwest is not pretty. The book, The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee has a general history of it. And the Wing Luke Museum of the Asian Pacific American Experience delves more into the local history.

There's always been kicking us out because of racist stereotypes and being angry that jobs are supposedly taken. And guess what, some of that sentiment still remains (you cannot just get rid of racism that easily.) An example would be when the planning officials were trying to make the Chinatown International District even smaller by increasing the size of the homeless shelter nearby. It didn't work out, but that doesn't stop people from trying again in the future.

- I do love how people band together and fight for what they believe in. They genuinely want a better future. And they will do whatever to ensure that they are heard to make sure that does happen. And that resulted in a lot already like a higher minimum wage, better protections for workers, guaranteed paid sick leave, and help in getting out of abusive situations, amongst other things. However, there's always more that can be done.

- I love the stories behind the Pacific Northwest, especially the haunted ghost stories (even though I'm still skeptical about it.) It's also still quite interesting to me that this place has one of the highest numbers of serial killers around. This makes sense cause the state literally gives off spooky, haunted, serial killer vibes with the cloudiness, vast forests and mountains, and fog and rain. 

- This city is very dog-friendly/pet-friendly. Every day I see a lovely dog and I just want to give them all the pets they deserve. I've also seen cats and bunnies out in public. And in my personal experience, it's hard to find an apartment complex that doesn't allow pets.  

- I love how the Pacific Northwest loves itself. As in it's very big on localness, buying local, supporting local, etc. At a lot of malls, you will find a Made in Washington store. There's always a farmers market happening, no matter what time of year. At the chain bookstore where I work, there are a lot of books by local authors that we proudly sell. And it's not just the big ones like Julia Quinn and Marissa Meyer, but a lot of smaller authors too. In other words, there's a big sense of pride in everything and everywhere. 

- I love how queer this community is. It's well known that Seattle is one of the gayest cities in the United States and it definitely shows in a lot of ways from drag shows during brunch, queer clubs, pride month, queer books, etc. And it's refreshing to not have to explain my identity or have to hide in a way. Though, it does feel like I'm hiding sometimes when on the outside it looks like a straight-ass relationship.

- This community is very open to sex and alcohol. There are sex shops that are very bright and open and full of knowledgeable people. And I feel safe around them because they're also queer and they're women and I finally feel listened to. Even when meeting new people, some of them don't shy away from talking about their sex lives. And it's nice to know that I'm not alone in a way. While with alcohol, it's nice to know how easy it is for me to get access to it. Coming from Utah, I could only get the stronger stuff at liquor stores, and they have limited hours and are closed on Sundays and holidays. So if you didn't plan ahead, you're screwed. 

- I love how they're making attempts to make public transportation more accessible and make Seattle more walkable (which makes driving a nightmare not going to lie.) Though it's far from perfect and it will still take a long time. And even though the city had a chance to start earlier, at least they're trying now.

- Something really random, Costco. It was started in this state. There is a Kirkland, Washington and that is the name behind the Costco Kirkland brand. And as a result, there are a lot of Costcos here and there's a variety of things that I can't quite find at other Costcos I've been to. Especially all the Asian snacks like bánh pía and instant boba. 

- People volunteer all the time. They give back to the community because it has provided so much for them. Yes, sometimes it is a requirement for work or school, but it's still nice to see people willing to do it. Plus, if I can help at least one person's day feel a bit better that means a lot.

- The lack of a fashion sense. There's a reason why Fashion Week does not occur in Seattle. People will dress comfortably, no matter the place or event. At this point, expect people to dress down at fancy restaurants. The first time I saw that happen, I was very surprised. With the rain and cloudy weather, it is better to dress comfortably and warmly though.

- The art and culture and literacy scene. I've found myself exploring a few of the bookstores around here and checking out the art scene and learning more about all the music that has come out of this place. And I'm still in awe because of how immense it is. It's inspiring in a way. 

All in all, I somehow found a community here. Though it is interesting to see how true the Seattle freeze is and how reserved everyone is because of it. And at this point, I'm starting to see it in myself. There are also still a lot of problems, but people care a lot to help fix them. And that right there is reason enough to stay. The grass can definitely be greener on this side if you're willing to put in the effort to make it so.

And now the weather: 

Moomin Valley Theme Song (I'm Far Away) by MØ

 ~ Stacy N.

P.S. Thank you my love for bringing me here. 

Read More

Adulting is expensive

Photo by Jeff boyce on Pexels

Dear me,

Adulting is expensive. Inflation is inflation. Prices still go up. And I'm left wondering how I ever got here. It doesn't help that I live in one of the more expensive metropolises in the US, but I guess that's the price I get for wanting to fulfill my big-city fantasy. There are also other reasons involved like love, family drama (when isn't there family drama with me though), and wanting new experiences and consensual challenges.

You know what though? I still wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. I get a freedom and an independence I thought I was never really that confident to have in the first place. All the while, I get to do it with the people I love and trust by my side. So let's continue on continuing on, one day at a time. 

And now the weather:

40 Winks by Marla

~ Stacy N.

Read More

It started with a dragon

Photo by Despin Dimo on Pexels

Dear me,

I didn't mean to, but I bought more books. One of which was a book that finally made my brain click and realize that hey reading actually is fun. True, it was for school, but it worked to my teacher's advantage. She got people to enjoy reading.

Anyway, backtracking a few steps. It started in 6th grade. My teacher made everyone do a reading bingo. Each square was a different genre. If you filled out every single spot then you got a pretty nice reward, like some kind of food. I love food so that was enough incentive for me to read. It was a bit of a chore, reading random books and filling out a paper on each book, and I often kind of dreaded it. However, that all changed when I read Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke. It truly helped me escape my reality and before you knew it, I was done. I may not remember much about it, but I was hooked.

Before I fully grasped it myself, it led me to a spiral of fantasy and young adult books and then (almost) anything else that was under the sun. Like sure I still had to write a paper on it, but at that point, I didn't mind. It wasn't a book that was forced onto me. It wasn't something that constantly reminded me of how "gifted" I was or how "advanced" I was. The best part, I didn't have to take a test on it for AR (accelerated reader) club. I just let the story take me away without having to worry about the mechanics of it. The other best part was that I got a snack from it. 

Anyway, I just wrote all of this down to hopefully show others that no matter how "late" you are to read in life, it doesn't matter. You don't have to start from inside the womb, you just need to start somewhere. Even if it requires a bit of a push and maybe some food. 

Now that I think about it, that probably explains why I read while eating my meals nowadays.

And now the weather:

mad at disney by salem ilese

~ Stacy N.

Read More

I'm still searching for my piece of home

Photo by Flo Dahm from Pexels

Dear me,

While reading Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner, I couldn't help but naturally seek a part of me in her story. That was of course found through food and HMart. Except I didn't grow up with H Mart because there simply wasn't one in Utah. Instead, I grew up in the small Vietnamese markets hearing Vietnamese words float by my ears; picking up my favorite  Asian snacks like Yeo's soy milk, yan yan, and the multiflavored gum packs where the gum came in tiny balls, and whose flavors were quickly lost as I tried to chew through a big glob trying to see how big I can make this bubble. It wasn't ever a big bubble. 

I found a comfort in seeing chè in the fridge alongside the Vietnamese yogurt, bánh mì that can be quickly made to order, and some bánh xèo and gỏi cuốn that you can just pick up. The bánh rán and bánh tét and chả lụa I later learned you just can never find in an H Mart just because it's distinctly Vietnamese. It took me many months and stumbling before I was able to find them here in Washington state. The Vietnamese language floating around me, the aisles distinctly tiny, and me towering a bit over everyone. (I am barely taller than an average Vietnamese person from what I have observed, post-puberty.) 

It's not quite home, but it eases my homesickness and my hungry stomach. And it helps to know that for a moment I'm not alone in my ever wandering place in this world.

And now the weather:

Đi Về Nhà by Đen và JustaTee

~ Stacy N.

Read More

I'm still choosing to live

Photo by KoolShooters on Pexels

Dear me,

Amongst the thoughts about dying, I'm glad that I'm still living.

And now the weather:

this is what falling in love feels like by JVKE

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Well this hurt more than I thought it would be

Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels

Dear me, 

I just finished reading the book, The Fortunes of Jaded Women by Carolyn Huynh, and that made me feel both seen and sad at the same time. Seen in a way that I have never felt seen before in literature because it focuses exclusively on Vietnamese women. And oftentimes we're not the center of our own stories, especially in American literature. This also goes for the fact when other Vietnamese and Vietnamese American men write about us. We're oftentimes someone's mother, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, significant other, etc. Always someone else's and never our own. And this book does a great job at reminding people that us Vietnamese women belong exclusively to ourselves first before anyone else and that we're people too. We're a woman. We're us. Messy, glorious, flawed, beautifully us. 

This book also just made me feel sad because it reminded me too much about my own family. It's not talked about in Vietnamese culture or amongst families either. How there are cracks, the estrangement, the period where family members just don't talk to each other for a while and do their own thing. Sometimes that period doesn't last as long, other times it can stretch into infinity. And people, especially Vietnamese women, are too stubborn to mend it sometimes. Not until it's too late. Giant events seem to unite people more easily than smaller ones. But that should not always be the case. 

Ironically enough, in my own stubbornness, I am still unwilling to fix some of the cracks in my own family. It means facing the past and the hurt and I am not ready for that. Also, there is a tiredness of being a middle child who has to be the mediator for everyone. And I just want time for myself at this current moment to do my own thing before I have to do what my family thinks I have to do.

Overall, what I've learned from this book is that Vietnamese women are stubborn as fuck. And also, fuck it, I'm tired of being expected to be the good Vietnamese girl. The one who has to marry into another Vietnamese family, especially to a guy who has money. (My family gave up on the fact that I'm going to get a high-paying job in one of the traditional Asian fields.) The one who has to have that big Vietnamese wedding that is supposed to unite everyone. The one who is supposed to have several kids. The one who is supposed to have a nice house and be a good housewife and mother and daughter and whatever and still be expected to keep up my "perfect" skinniness and beauty and youth.

I'm messy, I'm flawed, I'm tired, yet I'm still me and I do love what I am doing right now. And it's nice to see that reflected in a book that I will be 100000% supportive of if it ever becomes a TV show or even a movie.

Thank you Carolyn Huynh. Genuinely, thank you. 

 

And now the weather: 

 See Tình by Hoàng Thuỳ Linh

~ Stacy N.

Read More