Goodbye 2016

Photo by Lukas Budimaier
Font is Nella Sue

Funny how a lot can happen in a year, I’m officially in my twenties; I ended up liking someone that I think I have a chance of dating (if only we weren’t so nerdy and studied all the time);  I’m socializing more and I don't feel as drained when I'm finished hanging out with them; I find myself writing creatively more often outside of November; I’m blogging more this year; my Vietnamese is getting a bit better; I got a tattoo; I’m happier, sadder, more scared, and angry because of world events like the Pulse club shooting, Trump’s election, and Aleppo*; my grandma unfortunately died; I didn’t end up participating in Nanowrimo this year due to personal reasons (*coughcoughcollegeworkandfinalsandallthatcoughcough*); and I find myself more involved in college groups like the undergraduate literary magazine at my school.

It feels good and weird and sad knowing how much I've done this year and how much I haven't done. And it's hard to know if I did accomplish my New Year's resolution this year. I mean being a better person is pretty vague, but I think I did become a slightly better person. I mean I'm better at catching myself whenever I think or say problematic stuff, though I still need a lot of work. It's also harder to feel happy considering everything that has happened both personally and around the world. And honestly, I think it's just going to go down from here before getting a bit better. But my little optimistic side can't help but feel glad that a new year is coming because it means that this year is finally coming to an end.

Sorry for being a downer. Have a good one and let's hope that next year won't suck as much.

And now the weather:
Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen cover by Pentatonix

*If you have the time and money, please consider donating to at least one of five charities here.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Tokenism

lyrics

Thoughts:

1. Having one or two people of color in a story mainly full of white people does not make the whole story racially diverse. It just makes those characters token minorities. 
2. Same thing if the one or two people were queer, had a different gender identity, religion, body type, etc.
3. According to Wikipedia, tokenism is "the practice of making only a perfunctory or symbolic effort to be inclusive to members of minority groups, especially by recruiting a small number of people from underrepresented groups in order to give the appearance of racial or sexual equality within a [group]. The effort of including a token [person] to a [group] is usually intended to create the impression of social inclusiveness and diversity (racial, religious, sexual, etc.) in order to deflect accusations of social discrimination." 
4. In my opinion, true diversity is when at least half the group is actually part of the marginalized group, in some way. An example would be the Big Hero 6 movie, Honey Lemon is Latina, Hiro, Gogo, and Tadashi are Asian, Wasabi is black, and Fred is white. That's racially diverse because there are more people of color than white people. And no Fred isn't a token minority because he comes from a privileged group of people who see themselves in the media every day, everywhere, in a wide range of roles. And they're (white people) often are the majority. Another great example is the Broadway musical, Hamilton where the main cast is predominately black or Latino, with the only white guy being King George III.
5. So please, before you say something is diverse look at the number of people in a marginalized group and compare that to the majority (aka white, male, cisgender, straight, middle class, Christian, etc.). If there are more people still belonging to the majority than there are in the marginalized communities then it's not diverse. Also, define diverse, is it racially diverse, sexually diverse, religiously diverse, etc.?
6. And last but not least, listen to this album my friend made. It's about his friend's and his experience about being black and brown in the United States. It's very thought-provoking and relatable to a certain extent. And yes, it is free to download.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Christmas Eve

Photo by James Donovan

Content warning: death, suicide 
December 24 has never been my favorite day for three reasons.
One, December 24, 2010, Mother Nature decided to give me an early Christmas gift. My period. It was bloody and horrible and it hurt. I knew it was going to come eventually, but why that particular day? Christmas eve was supposed to be an exciting day spent in preparation for the big Christmas holiday. It shouldn't be a bloody mess. By now, I've more or less suffered through it, and still have to survive it for another fortyish years.

Two, December 24, 2015, my bà nội  ended up going to the hospital because something happened to her heart. Thankfully, she had my dad and his brother to keep her company for most of the day. By the time the news reached my siblings' and my ears, visiting hours were already over. Little did I realize, that hospital visit foreshadowed her death two months later. She ended up dying of cardiac arrest around February. Thankfully, my family and I managed to visit her on Christmas day. That was also the last day I ever saw her alive and it was a day I'll never trade for anything else.

Three, December 25, 2015, I witnessed a suicide. I briefly mentioned it last year, however, since it was still fresh on my mind, I couldn't delve into many of the details without wanting to barf and/or break down. In fact, it's still a bit hard to write about, however, after all, the shit that happened so far in 2016, that was almost nothing. Now back to the story.

My siblings and I were at my ông bà nội's house when we heard the news of  bà nội's condition. By then, she was pretty weak. Her skin was papery thin; she wasn't talking much; she needed a walker; she had a puffy leg; she was diabetic; just got done with some kind of blood cancer; and she took a lot of pills just to survive her everyday life. So my family mourned, ate dinner, watched some movies, and talked a little bit. Eventually, it grew late so my siblings and I headed back to our hotel.* However, on the way there, we got lost and ended up hitting a homeless person who was actively trying to commit suicide. Unfortunately, our rental car was the tool that she managed to use to achieve that goal. It was scary, and I was quite numb after that, and even though I said I was fine, I wasn't.

Some context. My siblings and I were on a San Diego, California freeway when it happened. It was around ten pm, we were in the center lane, and there was moderate traffic around us. There was also a nearby hospital.

One moment, she wasn't there and the next she was. She looked like a pale demon from a horror movie. Except, there was no veil around her head. She ended up destroying one side of the car. For a moment, my older sister almost considered to keep on driving because she was freaking out and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, she ended up pulling over when she saw that a few other cars did the same. The typical happened, "what just happened?", cringing at the car's destruction, "there's flesh on your car", I started to take pictures as proof, names and insurance and license plate numbers were exchanged, someone called the police, and the police eventually came. There were two police groups that night, one group was with us and started to try to piece together what happened, the second group was with the dead body, they were a bit farther down the freeway.

When talking to an officer, he said that there's always quite a few homeless people who escape from the hospital and run onto the road. If I remember right, the homeless lady wore a hospital gown. Though I can't remember if I saw it or someone else told me. The police officer also said that there were a lot of homeless people in California, particularly in the southern part because it's almost always nice, sunny, and warm year around. And they usually gather around places of high traffic, particularly the side of the road.

A few hours later, my siblings and I ended up back in our hotel room, we (aka my older sister) started talking to a police provided therapist to help us process the night's events. And he told us that he believed there's a small spike in suicide rates among the homeless during this time of year. Because it's depressing to know that you're alone during the holidays with no loved ones around. Also, another officer mentioned that unfortunately, this was not a rare occurrence and it happened quite a few times every few months. Thankfully, my older sister didn't get charged with vehicular manslaughter because it was not her fault, it was the homeless lady's because she was in the middle of the road. A place that by then doesn't protect pedestrians, especially not on the freeway. And thankfully, there were witnesses who proved that the homeless lady did indeed walk on the freeway most likely to commit suicide.

But still it was bad, it was bad, it was bad.

*Initially my siblings, dad, and I were supposed to stay at my ông bà nội's house in National City, California, however, an aunt was also coming down for the holidays. And for some reason, she's not a big fan of my immediate family. So she wanted us out of ông bà nội's house because she "reserved" it first. But my ông nội doesn't really check his phone messages so he didn't tell us. So when we heard that piece of news, my siblings and I moved our stuff to a hotel in San Diego, thankfully still a bit close to our ông bà nội's house, while our dad stayed behind because he needed to spend the time with his dying mom. But in the end, that was all for nothing because said aunt decided to go to a hotel instead. Yay, for family drama.

Note: bà nội means paternal grandma in Vietnamese, ông nội means paternal grandpa, and ông bà nội means paternal grandparents.

And now the weather:
It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton a Musicality Cover

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Colorblindness

Thoughts:

1. I wish I could tell past me that yes, even though, biologically, race doesn't exist that doesn't mean that the social constructs of race does not have an impact on you and other people of color. 
2. Colorblindness ignores the problems that people of color face. And unlike teeth with cavities, it won't fall out and magically solve itself. 
3. As I recently told a classmate of mine, not talking about racism won't fix racism itself. 
4. Colorblindness is a white privilege. If you're white then you don't have to worry about seeing color and how that affects you. You don't have to worry about discriminatory remarks like, "Go back to your country" or "You're in America now, speak English" or "No, where are you really from?" Or being called a racial slur that has been used to oppressed you for centuries (and no cracker does not have the same effect as the n-word because of the complicated history and the power it holds.) Nor do you really have to worry about "the talk", how to act around the police, representation in the media and books, and more. 
5. As Trevor Noah once said in an interview with Tomi Lahren, "There's nothing wrong with seeing color. It's how you treat color that's more important." Please, acknowledge the struggles that people of color and marginalized groups face. And please don't tell us that it will get better without making an attempt to fix the problem that's systematically embedded into American society. Actually, make the attempt to fix it and educate people of power about it. Demand laws that are better for everybody. Defend existing laws that help us keep our freedoms. Vote for politicians that are willing to make the change. Be more aware. Learn from your mistakes. Believe people of color and other marginalized groups when we tell our stories. And more importantly don't speak over us, acknowledge our voices. 

Also, everyday feminism has this great article on 7 Reasons Why ‘Colorblindness’ Contributes to Racism Instead of Solves It.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A Harry Potter “Existential Crisis”

Photo by Simson Petrol

According to Pottermore, I belong in the Slytherin house. Slytherin is the house that’s “cunning, ambitious, resourceful, shrewd, [and] determined” according to Pottermore. I don’t feel cunning; it seems like my ambition is running away from me most of the time, but the other three I feel like fits me more. I try to be resourceful but it takes me a bit to get there; shrewd feels so conniving, but it isn’t, and knowing me, I’m usually able to get my way if I really put my mind to it; and determination is my middle name, even though procrastination is always tagging along.

However, I feel like those aren’t my main traits. For a while, I’ve always thought I was a Ravenclaw mixed in with a bit of Hufflepuff. I’m smart and I like learning. But now that I think about it, I don’t think I like learning that much to the point where I have my nose stuffed in this internet article or a book twenty-four seven. However, it also depends on what I’m learning about too… While for my Hufflepuff side, I’m pretty loyal but I do know when to say no and when to take care of myself instead of helping others all the time.

Now that I think about it, no one is really destined to fit in any one house because everyone usually has a mix of traits from every house. However, there’s always these specific traits that pop up over and over again, so I guess people do fit in one house because of those traits. Okay, *shakes head* I’m just going in circles here. I’m really not quite sure what my dominant house is but I guess I’ll stick in Slytherin for the moment.
Aside: Or I could have gotten into Slytherin because my favorite color is green… Or is it because I’m a “pureblood” (aka my family only has Vietnamese blood, as far as I know of). Or is it because I’m destined to be discriminated against in some way but still have a good amount of privilege? Now, I’m just overthinking this.

And now the weather:
Let it Be by the Beatles - cover by Alicia Keys and John Legend

~ Stacy N.

Read More

How to not stress about finals

Photo by Davide Cantelli

You don't. Instead, you internally scream as you slowly work on all your papers, projects, and study for tests at two in the morning.

And now the weather:
In my dreams by Ruth B.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A look into my life for Thursday, November 3, 2016

source

This is an idea I got from nevillegirl at Musings From Neville's Navel, and I thought it would be interesting to do to. So here it goes. Note: there is a mention of rape. 

7:05 AM: Alarm goes off, go to my phone and play the little games it provides to try and wake me up. Finish, set the timer to go off in ten minutes, and go back to sleep.

7:15 AM: Timer goes off, sets timer for another 10 minutes.

7: 25 AM: Timer goes off once more, the timer is set for another five minutes.

7: 30 AM: I’m up, I’m actually up.

7:32 AM: Grab the clothes I’ve laid out the night before, get dressed, and wash my face.

              If you want to know my secret to looking like a 17-year-old even though I’m twenty, smile and moisturize.

7: 53 AM: Eat a quick breakfast of a ham sandwich and take my vitamins.

8:00 AM: Finish eating, brush my teeth, get my hair ready, put on my shoes, steal my twin’s jacket, grab my phone, keys, backpack, and purse, and get out the door.

8:10 AM: Scrape a bit of ice that is on my windshield. Utah temporarily decides to act like winter even though it’s still fall.

8:15 AM: Finally start driving to school, listen to music on my phone, try to not panic a little because of the possibility that I might be late to my first class, hope that there isn’t any bad morning traffic around this time.

8: 47 AM: Park at the engineering building and try to remind myself that I’m not going to be late. And not panic too much about the rape that happened in the middle of the day on Monday that happened in the same exact parking lot that I’m at right now.

8:50 AM: Walk to accounting class, a bit pissed off about rape culture, sexism, the patriarchy, hyper-masculinity, male entitlement, etc., and still be a bit scared and a bit worried.

8:53-ish AM: Talk a bit with a friend that I haven’t seen a while, say goodbye, and then continue walking to class.

9:00 AM: Make it class, talk a bit with another friend about the business scandals we’ve ended up choosing.

9:10 AM: Class starts. Time to learn about some business scandals. That included…

              Enron, and how big and involved the scandal was à Lehman Brothers (my pick) and how it ended up copying some of Enron’s moves, and then it went bankrupt and it almost caused a financial black hole à Bernard Madoff and how he created a giant Ponzi scheme that finally broke because of the financial crisis that the Lehman Brothers had a play in.

10: 30 AM: Class ends, and I came out of it surprised and disgusted with all of the scandals.

10: 35 AM: Grab my weekly/biweekly brunch from one of the food trucks. In this case, a Vietnamese food truck that has good caramel pork.

10:40 ish AM: Go to the library to study aka try to finish reading Othello and eat a bit of my brunch. Talk a bit with a mechanical engineering student. Try to come up with an idea about what to write my Othello paper on. Get a bit distracted writing this blog post.

12:00 PM: Pack up my stuff and head to my Parenting and Cultures class.

12: 10 PM: Make it to class and continue writing on this blog post some more. Watch some of my classmates set up their board about a country and their parenting practices.

12: 25 PM: Class begins and I learn about Costa Rica, China, Brazil, Ethiopia, and Denmark and some of their culture and parenting practices.

              Costa Rica has a 97% literacy rate. It also has free healthcare, however, since the religion is predominately Catholic there is more restricted access to get birth control and abortions.

              China has the second largest economy and it (like most East and maybe Southeast Asian countries) practices Confucianism.

              One of Brazil’s top three religions is Mormonism and there has been an education reform recently, however, it’s better to send your kid to somewhere with a private education despite the fact that it costs a lot of money to do so.

              Ethiopia is the most populated landlocked country, it has one of the richest coffees in the world, and typically the father is not present during the birth of his child.

              Denmark is the happiest country in the world, education costs are covered all the way from daycare to college level (it actually pays you to go to school), its birth rate is dropping so there are companies that are paying people to have babies, but instead of money it’s just free baby care stuff.

12: something PM: After hearing the presentations, we’re allowed to go on a gallery like stroll and look at the posters more clearly and try some of the different countries’ food like Danishes (Denmark), limeade without the sugar (Brazil, which brings me back my childhood memories of when my own mother would give me that when I was sick, only it was hot), okay eggrolls (China), Injera, a sourdough flatbread (Ethiopia), and plantain chips (Costa Rica). Talk a bit with other people and eat some leftover Halloween candy that my teacher still had.

1: 45 PM: Class ends, I walk back to the library to read more Othello. Instead, I’m still writing this blog post trying to remember everything.

2:38 PM: I end up writing another blog post that’s scheduled before this one, all the while getting distracted with stock photos, music ,and youtube in general.

              Surprise! You found out my secret. I usually end up scheduling everything in advance. I try to be random as possible so you don’t notice it.

3:25 PM: Procrastinate on my reading for a bit more.

3:50 PM: Pack up and go to the Canticle meeting.

3:52 PM: Make it to the room and found myself guarding the pizza because we forgot the cups for the meeting again. Thankfully a few more people come so I’m not lonely. We end up talking and eating some of the food.

4: 05 ish? PM: The main Canticle workshop guy comes back with the cups and hands out the writing prompts. We end up writing a bit but end up talking more about the election, work, and eating a bit more etc. More people eventually come and then we started complaining about classes. This meeting has basically much turned into a therapy Canticle meeting.

6:00 PM: We get kicked out of the room because it’s now a tutoring space. I end up taking the rest of the Oreos before walking to the Union to wind down a bit, look at Instagram and facebook, and prepare myself for next Monday (that was the day I got a free tattoo and donate to a great cause).

6:50 PM: Walk towards my next club meeting, this time for Students for Choice. Try to not freak out a bit because it’s dark and I still can’t help but think about what happened on Monday.

6:55 PM: Make it to the building where it’s at, but it felt like I was going in circles because there were construction and confusing hallways with room numbers that don’t go in order. Share my Oreos with everybody else because I couldn’t eat anymore.

7:01 PM: In an impromptu camp style circle in the lobby of the building (because we happened to be locked out of our usual room) we have an hour long discussion about what happened on Monday, rape culture, consent, how the school is failing in some ways, what it’s doing right, etc.

8:00 PM: Meeting ends, some of us stay back to make posters for the protest that’s happening in response to the rape, how the school is responding, rape culture, etc. for tomorrow (Friday the 4^th).

8:55 ish PM: We finish making posters, so an acquaintance and I walk to our cars together, getting lost in the building’s confusing hallway, somehow making it outside, end up taking a shortcut and cut through the construction site (that’s already finished, yet the fences are still up), all the while talking about school and such. Eventually, make our separate ways.

9:05 ish PM: Make it to the parking lot that I’m in and notice a blue flashing lot that is most likely a new camera (or two) and security(?) in a corner of the lot. Also, make it to my car safe and sound, and then quickly drive off.

9: 43 ish PM: Made it home, procrastinated on writing this piece, watch youtube videos, and rested.

11:23 ish PM: Finish writing this blog post and procrastinate a bit with KPOP and reading up on tattoo aftercare.

12: 15 AM: Finally finish and then get ready for bed. Good night!

Well, that’s what I end up doing every other Thursday. The other Thursdays when I don’t have club meetings to go to, I just end up studying for whoever knows how long, maybe end up at another school event, and/or try to get more writing in. Tuesdays are slightly different, I don’t grab brunch after accounting and I usually study some more after Parenting and cultures before going home or to work. Also, my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are on a completely different schedule that I might write about one day.

And now the weather:

Talk Less, Sign More - A Ham4Ham by the New York Deaf Theatre and Hamilton cast members

~ Stacy N.

Read More

How to break the model minority stereotype

Me taken from my instagram page here

[x] Get a tattoo
[x] Cut your hair short
[x] Study a subject that doesn't involve the medical, business, engineering (or STEM in general), or law field. (Though, I'm slightly a hypocrite because I am minoring in business.)
[x] Be broke
[x] Not be exclusively East Asian
[x] Procrastinate, go to random events, and not spend every moment of my life studying for school.
[x] Try to be active on issues that I care about like reproductive justice rights, politics, diversity/race, the lgbtqiap+ community, etc.

And now the weather:
How Far I'll Go by Alessia Cara

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Letters part 7

Picture by Pham Khoai

Dear people in general,

You are not entitled to my time, body, or general self just because you’ve done something nice for me, follow me on any of my social media accounts, and/or are one of my friends. And I’m not entitled to you whenever I do something nice for you. So please, especially those “friend-zoned” guys out there, let go of the idea that just because you’re a decent human being you automatically think the world owes you something. It doesn’t. And if you do think that way, you’re not a decent human being at all, but a manipulative one who doesn’t understand the basic concept of human respect.

And now the weather: 

Fire by BTS

Content warning: there are some quick, flashing lights around the 2:54 mark, 3:24 - 4:22 ish mark; as well as fire and explosions. 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Signs that pointed to my asexuality

source

While watching this youtube video about asexuality that got me thinking about my past and how different it was from a non-asexual person. For those of you who don’t know, asexuality is a lack of a sexuality. It’s one where the person doesn’t feel a sexual attraction. Of course, there are variations of asexuality like demi-asexual, where the person only feels sexual attraction once they formed a strong emotional bond with someone; and grey-asexual, whose definition differs for each grey-asexual person.

Now I’m going off course, but what I want to add before I go back to my main topic is that yes asexuality is an actual  sexuality (or technically lack of one) and yes it is important to showcase more asexuals in media and everywhere else to show that it is normal to be one in this sex-crazed part of the world.

And now onto the signs that pointed towards my asexuality:

• If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know by now that my crushes usually go away pretty quickly. However, now that I think about it, I think I only liked them because they were aesthetically pleasing to look at.
• There were only about two moments in my life when I just “clicked” with someone. When I knew for sure that I wanted to be in some kind of romantic relationship with them. Honestly, I’m not sure what that means. Am I really that choosy; does no one really interest me that much; etc.?
• Whenever friends (especially during those Jr. High school years) asked me who I was crushing on, I would usually lie and say a random classmate’s name. And then I would force myself to like them in that romantic sense so I couldn’t be seen as a liar. And it sucked. Honestly, I felt kind of hollow and fake because I knew for sure that wasn’t what I was actually feeling.
• I’ve only had about two sex dreams in my life. And all I saw was myself doing the act but never getting an orgasm. Plus, they never lasted for long, only a couple of minutes or so. And I know that people (guys, girls, and those in between) my age were having more sex dreams than that.
• Back in 8th grade, my friend said that when a person pulls one of their fingers back, the painful sound they made was what they would also make when they’re having sex. When she pushed my finger back all I said was, “ow” in an anti-climactic way.
• When friends tell me their dreams of who they made out with, I could never relate to them because I never got those dreams.
• Whenever I read posts on tumblr or facebook about being horny, especially when you’re on your period, again I could never relate because I never felt that. Yes, I’ve wanted to kiss certain people but never to the point where I wanted to have sex with them.
• When I was with my last ex, I felt like I wasn’t ever enough because I couldn’t give them what they wanted which was ultimately sex. It was never in my best interest and thankfully they respected that.
• I’ve never felt the urge to join the crowd and have sex with anyone at all, especially during my high school years. Mainly because I live in Utah so the schools were predominately Mormon and I usually hung out with Mormon people. And again, I’m also pretty asexual.
• It was always weird watching people have sex in movies and TV shows or when I was reading studies about sex. I could never relate to them because they seemed like this other in my mind. An other that is predominately the norm in the United States.
• Whenever I read sex scenes in books, I would always put the book down before going back to it later (by then with some force on my part because I wanted to get the whole thing over with.)

Eventually, it clicked that I was asexual when I saw some tumblr posts about it and how it almost perfectly described me. That was when I realized that I wasn't "normal" in the eyes of the world because I don't want or even need to talk about sex, let alone have it. And honestly, I feel better knowing that. During my discovery process, I realized that I'm not alone and that it is completely normal to be asexual. And honestly, you're not broken because of that.

And now the weather:

"Bolt" by Formula Arts

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Letters part 6

source

Dear ex,
Please get out of my mind.

And now the weather:
HECK NO by Ingrid Michaelson DISNEY version by Evynne Hollens

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What is this place?

source

It started at dawn. That was when the angel or demon figure came down or up and started screaming or singing. That was when I knew that I wasn’t a believer. That was also when I died. 

By now I should be giving you my whole life story. When I was born, what my childhood was like, what led up to me seeing that angel or demon or whatever but that is going to take too long. So I’m going to hold up on the exposition, possibly infinitely and just go straight to what happened after I died.  

It was strangely neither dark or light but just an infinite greyness. There were no clouds but strange shapes consisting of sharp edges. And everything was moving. Me and it. It being I don’t even know. There was both nothing to do and everything to do. Everything that you could think of happened but it always came with some terrible consequence. Unlimited candy, ultimate diarrhea. Any book to read, including the ones not thought of, a depression that lasts for what seems like a lifetime when you’re finished with the book. A feeling that you’re always loved an intense self-hate.  

It was wonderful and terrible.  

A kid’s best dream, an adult’s worst nightmare.  

A heaven and a hell.  

By now, I should tell you how much I regret dying and wishing about being back on earth. But I can’t. It’s hard to feel your own emotions in this place. The ones that are not fabricated and controlled by it. It’s also becoming harder to be me. Whoever me is.  

Was there ever a me? Or was I always controlled by it? Was I always it? 

Who knows.  

Who cares.  

Certainly I don’t in this stupid, grey space. 

And now the weather:

Heathens by twenty one pilots 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

He will never be my president (thoughts about this year's presidential election)

Snapped by Ryan McGuire under keyword America

Note: There is strong language ahead.

1 AM, I work on my Vietnamese homework while listening to NBC's coverage of the election. Trump won, with glassy eyes, I continue writing.  

Honestly, I'm fucking angry and sad and scared. Angry that he ended up winning despite all his xenophobic, racist anti-LGBTQIAP+, sexist, and overall offensive campaign. Sad that America has come to this and how all the progress Obama has made in the past eight years might be washed away. And sad that no matter what, America will still be stubbornly made for white people. And scared of what will happen next. But honestly, it's not fucking surprising because of how often the media talks about him. Since his name was everywhere, it makes sense that more people remembered his name more than Hillary. And one of the reasons why people vote for a candidate is because they recognize the name. But still fucking Trump? The guy who wants to build a wall along the Mexican border; said grab them by the pussy; wants to get rid of the affordable healthcare act with something "better"; doesn’t want Muslims from entering the country; deport all undocumented immigrants aka undocumented people of color; and more? Versus someone who actually has a plan and is more than qualified to become president.

7 PM election night, a coworker asks me, if I had the money, would I go to Canada. Oh, the hypocrisy here. So, it's okay for us Americans to flee to another country to escape a Trump presidency but not Syrian refugees who are also escaping from a bad government? I said no. I would stay. Past me would have said yes, but I already invested too much into this country. Plus, I would rather try to actively get involved and try to make the US a little bit better, whether it's protesting or donating as much as I can. And despite all its flaws, the United States is home.

Snapped by Ryan Pouncy

On my Facebook feed, the ones who are posting that it's just an election, it will all be fine, just suck it up, or I don’t care are white people. Meanwhile, most of my minority friends are scared, offering support, and trying to cope with the fact that we will have to live in a Trump presidency. Especially since we're the ones who have to deal with it the most. While my white friends have their white privilege protecting them. They also don’t have to deal with racism (and no, fucking reverse racism doesn’t exist), unlike the rest of us. And most of them don’t have to worry much when it comes to surviving the next four years or worry much about if Trump will actually deport almost every undocumented immigrant.

And yes, it’s true that the president doesn’t have much power because they’re kept in check by both Congress and the Supreme Court, but that doesn’t mean that the president doesn’t have some influence over what Congress can do. And since Trump is Republican he holds a lot of influence over the (still) predominately Republican Congress. Which will be hard for those of us who are trying to get America to become more progressive.

Good luck everyone, try to be safe, actively fight for what you believe in, and try to survive the next four years. And just know that you are loved. Also, there's a great resource list by everyday feminism about self-care, systematic oppression, and protests, and just generally trying to understand what has happened. 

And now the weather:

Hillary Clinton’s Concession Speech 2016

I still refuse to have Trump as my president, but at least Hillary is trying to make the best out of a dark situation.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Asexuality

A great video that talks about asexuality, the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, the romantic attraction spectrum, and more.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A fictionalized version of events

source

1) I look at the back of the grey bus seat, empty and non-seeing.

2) The flower petals fall into the garbage can, one by one. 

White

              Brown

                            Dead

3) The shredder continues whirring. His puns continue disappearing.

4) The flames reach higher and higher, and those brown eyes soon disappear from my life.

5) I blink back tears, repeating to myself that he was not worth crying over.

6) The buildings, the leaves, the birds, and the clouds taunt me. Telling me to look up and up. To be

free. But it’s hard to trust them when it told the same thing to him.

7) I move on with my life. He’s not worth thinking about.

8) On the first day of classes, I wanted to barf. I was terrified of seeing him again. I didn’t eat

much that day or the days after that.

9) We see each other, we pass each other. Strangers again.

10) Life continues. Graduation happens. Orientation, first day of college, I start to forget about

him.

11) We saw each other again, nothing was said, we continue with our lives.

12) I finally look up again, free. 

And now the weather: Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A video about mass shootings & voting

Note: This was written during the time the Orlando Shooting occurred. I wasn't comfortable enough to post it then, however, I'm ready to post it now after doing a lot of thinking (and trying to clean up my drafts folder.)

Content warning: death, mass shootings, guns

When I heard about the Orlando shooting I was scared, sad, and angry. Scared because it affects me on a personal level as a queer person of color. Sad that the shooter thought that this was even okay in the first place. And angry that the society we live in is still for LGBTQIA+ discrimination, from bills that dictate where a trans* person could go to the bathroom to the fact that people could be fired all because of their sexual orientation. As the video says, we're not going to help anything if all we do is change our fucking profile picture on Facebook for a day or two. Yes, that shows "support", but what use is that support if you continually practice LGBTQIA+ discrimination yourself. Whether it's intentionally misgendering someone; refusing to see someone's relationship as valid because you only believe in heterosexuality; believing that a person could only be straight or gay and can't be anything in between; intentionally harass someone because they don't fit your view of what a "normal" male or female is supposed to be; complain about why isn't there straight pride and then using the excuse, "sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I know people who are gay/part of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum." when people confront you about it; and more.
Actual support consists of really learning about the discrimination LGBTQIA+ people face; actually try to not discriminate against people because of their sexuality and gender expression; sincerely apologizing if you do make a mistake, learn why it's a mistake, and then try to not repeat said mistake in the future; signing petitions that attempt to stop discrimination on a bigger systematic level; telling your local representatives to take action on behalf of the people to stop the discrimination; going to vigils; donating and/or helping out groups that actively try to stop the discrimination, and more.
When I saw the Dalai Lama speak live on my college campus, one of the important messages he gave was that if we wanted to see a more peaceful, happy society, then we need to actively take action, not passively pray about it or to talk about it on social media or in real life with no intention of actually doing something about it. And one of the best ways to do that is to register to vote and to actually vote on November 8, 2016. Sure, we may have a small voice when it comes to the federal government but our voice is big when it comes to local, state government.
Vote for people who you want to best represent your district and state. After all, the people in congress are supposed to represent the American people, and that's hard to do if some of them aren't willing to be more open-minded. Also, vote for people who genuinely care about the people they're representing, and who aren't going to turn on the people just to get more power, money, or because their party told them to. So VOTE. And don't forget to tell others to vote.

Some links to help you get more involved with the social justice movement:
The Human Rights campaign 
DoSomething.org

Voting info:
Voting registration dates (the whole site is pretty useful in general because it has other kinds of voting info like state requirements, voting methods, who to contact if you need help with voting, etc.)
Registering to vote

Read More

College so far

source

ACCTG 2600: Survey of Accounting
It's not a bad class, it made me realize that there is a lot more to accounting than ledgers, debits, and credits.

ENGL 370: 1 Introduction to Literary History 1 (works before 1800)
I like the readings because most of them are translated into Modern English. However, the online class is a bit disorganized.

ENGL 5550: Young Adult Novel
It's a fun class, taught by the lovely young adult author, Sara Zarr. Also, it's the only creative writing class that really made me write more often, plus it made me think about novel writing in a different (more manageable) way.

FCS 3370: Parenting &; Cultures
This is a pretty cool class because it made me think about parenting differently, and how we shouldn't make the white, middle-class American model the right way to parent. Also, I found myself doing another volunteer project for this class. This time I'm helping tutor refugee teenagers from Africa. I'm trying to not develop white savior complex and really learn about them because they're fun people.

VIET 2010: Intermediate Vietnamese 1
The class tripled in size in both the intermediate and the beginning courses. Which is amazing because it means that more people want to connect to their roots. It's also a fun class , we have interesting conversations and try to help each other survive. Reading Vietnamese is still hard but writing it is a bit easier now.

I've also found myself involved in several clubs this year: Vietnamese American Student Association (VASA), Asian American Student Association (AASA), Students for Choice (a pro-choice, intersectional feminist group), the Canticle (the undergraduate literary magazine), and Write Club (which I need to go to more meetings). The first two, I ended up joining again is because I want to connect to my Asian side more, and to learn a bit more about the Vietnamese culture (I've realized that I'm pretty whitewashed after living in Utah for my whole life). I'm also on the Canticle staff, and it's fun because we host workshops to try to get other writers to edit their piece to send to the magazine. The Write Club, as far as I know, is mainly about workshopping creative writing pieces. And Students for Choice has helped me realize more about reproductive health than any health class that I took in the past (oh, Utah and its abstinence-only teaching, though I do have to applaud my eleventh-grade health teacher for actually bringing in someone to talk about contraceptions.)

I could talk more about how productive I was in the beginning before slightly procrastinating again. And how I'm actually enjoying myself more. Or I could also talk about how my favorite moment so far was when I was in a dress, wearing my big coat and it was pouring out. It was cold, and it was around nine at night. My car was all the way across campus at one of the engineering buildings, and I was at the library. Thankfully, I had an umbrella and not wearing heels. It was pretty exciting walking across campus in the rain (though, kind of scary considering the dangers out there). And it was the first time in a while when I truly felt happy and free and light. I miss that part of me, the one not bogged down by college, adult responsibilities, work, and depression.

And now the weather:
Secrets by OneRepublic cover by Bryson Andres

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Letters part 5

source

Dear person I kind of like,
I get crushes like this, *snaps fingers.* They usually last for about a week before disappearing. So if you want me to continue liking you for longer, you have to show me that you're worth my time. You see, I'm an English Major and a Business Minor and those two teaches me to look at something from all sides before making a choice about what to do with it. Whether that is investing in a stock or what to write in an essay. And so far, my schoolwork seem more interesting than a dating life at the moment.

And now the weather:
Bulletproof by La Roux

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Irony

Photo by Rowan Heuvel

For a person who's so against being in a relationship with another person, it's funny how I often watch romantic videos (strictly for research purposes) and how I often write about it. And that is because I like seeing other people happy in a way that is different from mine. It's interesting and cute. :3
(Just don't make me be that awkward third wheel).

And now the weather:
I Really Like You by Carly Rae Jepsen

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Thoughts (a story piece)

I chased the same route every day for that month. Down through the woods at the back of the guesthouse, into the Valley of the Girls just as the sun was coming up. That’s how you ought to see the pyramids, you know. With the sun coming up. I liked to take a piss at the foot of [Alicia]‘s pyramid. I think that’s why she disappeared because she was too damn tired of me marking my territory. To where? I don’t fucking know. Maybe she disappeared into that Ocean Cove, where you cannot be found.
At least, that’s what I think it said on the ‘message’ of the Author-God. That same Author-God is thought to nourish the book (are we really in a book?), which is to say that she exists before it, thinks, suffers, lives for it, is in the same relation of antecedence to his work as a mother to her child. But how old is she and who is she?
After living in my position for a long time, you always thought that this story was about you. But stories are never about you. They’re about the plot and the characters that surround that plot. They’re about actions and consequences. We’ll understand when we’re older, when we start our adult lives without blemish, without online evidence of our indiscretions, our mistakes. But will we actually understand when we’re older? The Author-Gods, they choose to be a modern figure, a product of our society. But I’m a natural born rebel.
They say, “What an asshole that guy is!” It’s a mystery how I turned out that way, but some mysteries aren't questions to be answered, but just the kind of opaque fact — a thing which exists to be not known. However, my twin knows, Twins always know. We have our own language, it is a language which speaks directly to the heart. However, [Hero] has been closed off lately. Pie does not help.
I feel alone, I am alone. The explanation of [Hero] suddenly cutting me off  is sought in the woman who produced it, as it always is in the end, through the more or less transparent allegory of the fiction, the voice of a single person, the Author-God ‘confiding’ in us.

Note: this is a collage assignment that I had to write for my Writing Fiction class, where I had to use phrases from three different mediums. Changing some parts of the phrase to suit the story if needed to. The three mediums I ended up choosing was, a scholarly essay by Roland Barthes called“The Death of an Author”; a short story by Kelly Link “Valley of the Girls” (the Subterranean Press version); and episode thirteen from the Welcome to Night Vale podcast, “A Story About You”.

And now the weather: 
I Know What You Did Last Summer by Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello 

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A late college post

College, being a full-time student with a hard workload and add in a part-time job, there was barely any time for anything. However, it was worth every second of it. From parties to meeting a lot of new people. From not having to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to random conversations with friends. And throughout it all learning about myself, social justice issues, books, how to college, random things, etc. College definitely was worth every expensive penny. Now to continue at least three more years of it.

And now the weather:
7 Years by Lukas Graham

~ Stacy N.

Read More

A test

Photo by Priscilla Westra

What happened to me in April?
A) Finals
B) Sleep deprivation
C) Stress
D) Internally screaming as I tried to find a way to balance my school, work, and personal life balance.
E) All of the above

What happened to me in May?
A) Finishing up finals and last minute projects
B) Saying goodbye to friends that I got to know
C) Work
D) More summer classes (two this time)
E) Relaxing and masterdating 
F) All of the above

And now the weather:

The Scientist by Coldplay (Musicality Cover)

~ Stacy N.

Read More

What is romantic?

Photographed by Oscar E.
Creative Commons

On Friday, I posted about how Edward and Bella’s relationship from Twilight is quite creepy once you realize that it’s an abusive relationship. So that got me thinking about what is a romantic and healthy relationship? And I concluded that it’s having some space and independence; trust that your partner won’t do anything that you wouldn’t do behind your back; communicating about your problems, worries, goals, happiness, and anything else in between, even if it seems tiny in the moment; honesty about almost everything (if you’re lying because you want to surprise your partner with a gift that you know they like, then lie but don’t be hurtful about it); putting in effort from both sides of the party; actually trying to find the time to be together making good on that time, and making the most out of it; consent and abiding by that consent, and it doesn’t have to be just sexual consent but consent on other things too (not to the point where you have to ask your partner if you can even hang out with anybody else); respecting your partner's choices and opinions, even if you don't always agree with them; dedication and not giving up when times get rough; listening to your partner; not taking your partner for granted aka gratefulness and expressing that gratefulness; and being content to be in that relationship in the first place. To me that’s romantic. And if you’re not willing to go through all of that because of all the hard work you have to put into it, then don’t be in a serious relationship with anyone.

And now the weather:
Sound Of Your Heart by Shawn Hook

~ Stacy N.

Read More

Well that's creepy

From Matt Adrian's book,
 "The Mincing Mockingbird Guide to Troubled Birds"

How is persistently following someone, changing your whole schedule so that it could revolve around them, extreme dependence, and isolation romantic? It’s not, it’s creepy and very lonely. You start missing your friends, your family, your former self. Plus that’s a giant red flag that you’re in an unhealthy/abusive relationship. Which is why I’m not a big fan of Edward’s and Bella’s relationship in the Twilight series because it portrays exactly that, an unhealthy relationship.
In the second book Edward isolates Bella from her friends especially during lunch; throughout the series they’re together almost all the time, except when Edward needs to hunt; Edward is jealous of Jacob, and even takes out Bella’s engine so he could prevent her from visiting Jacob; in the first book, he forces her to go to prom even though she clearly said that she did not want to; and, also in the first book, he follows Bella to Portland without her knowing about it till later on in the book. In “Midnight Sun”, the incomplete draft of Twilight told from Edward’s point of view, he even admits that he stalked her.
That’s not very gentlemanly or romantic, and after a hundred years, Edward should have known better*. After all, even old dogs can learn new tricks, like Carlisle and the medical field.

*Kind of. Considering today’s society and how it romanticizes abusive tactics like those mentioned above, I’m not that surprised that Edward still doesn’t know any better.

Other ways that Edward’s and Bella’s relationship is problematic: https://domesticatedmonsters.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/10-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/

Also, if you're ever afraid that you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, here are some resources that you could turn to for help:
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/
http://womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/violence-help-hotlines.html
http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis_state.html
http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-men.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-abused-and-battered-women.htm

And now the weather:
Satisfied from Hamilton an American Musical cover by BeeBri7

He will never be satisfied

I will never be satisfied

~ Stacy N.

Read More

My two cents on the Vietnam War

Photo by Philip Jones Griffiths
Creative Commons

After watching Áo lụa Hà Đông (The White Silk Dress), not only was I sad but I was pissed. Really, really pissed. Because, honestly, the Vietnam War wasn’t really about Việt Nam at all. It was about America’s want/need to get rid of communism. To stop it from spreading before it hit (if ever) America. Imagine it this way, communism was like spilled milk. In order to prevent it from spreading any further, America cleaned it up (or at least put a “wall” around it) by going to war in Southeast Asia and threatened the Soviet Union. That caused about one to two million Southeast* Asians to leave their country behind. And plenty dead. The closest thing to this in today’s times is the Syrian refugee crisis, with approximately nine million refugees.
It also angers me that when the Vietnam War is mentioned, it’s almost exclusively told from an American (aka white) perspective. This also saddens me because it seems like more people want to read about “"realistic" accounts of the war in the boonies that focus on repulsive realities like soldiers stepping on shit-smeared punji sticks, suffering from crotch rot, or keeling over from dehydration.” (Nick Turse, “Tomgram: Nick Turse, A Rape in Wartime”) than the real truth about what happened. How the war was really about suffering, death, sadness, heartbreak, and secrets that the U.S. government was trying to hide that involved killing many innocent Southern Vietnamese civilians.**
The whole point of teaching history is to prevent certain events from ever happening again. If those parts are hidden, then they’re most likely to be repeated, over and over again. That’s why it makes me happy, when Vietnamese people make movies, write books, and sing countless of songs about the Vietnamese War, (despite how sad most of it is) because we’re taking control of our own narratives and telling people another side that’s very rarely shown. A side that’s about missing people, seeing your home get destroyed, seeing people die right in front of you, trying to survive, trying to live in a new country, bullying, etc. In the hopes that maybe history won’t be repeated again. However, Americans also need to tell the truth about what has happened, if we want to prevent such atrocities from ever happening again.

And now the weather:
I Was A Boat Person: Vietnamese Refugees Look Back

*The reason why I say Southeast and not Vietnam was because the Vietnamese War also affected the surrounding countries like Laos and Cambodia. But the main focus is still on Việt Nam. Fun fact, apparently 21 countries were involved in the war. 
**Note: I still have yet to read Nick Turse's book, Kill Anything That Moves: The Real American War in Vietnam, so I am a bit dubious about its truth and how valid his sources are. However, I don't doubt the fact that a lot of Vietnamese people were killed either by the Americans, either of the Vietnamese armies, trying to escape the war-torn country in a boat/plane/another method, etc.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

College in a nutshell

Except for me it’s long train rides, messy siblings, hello Amazon it’s nice to see you again, and long hours at the movie theater serving people popcorn and drinks and various other snack items.

~ Stacy N.

Read More

You're more than that

Photographed by This is Awkward
Creative Commons

1. Look at what makes up you. Your looks, your characteristics, your actions, your thoughts, etc. 
2. Notice how many of them doesn’t fit the typical boxes that are affiliated with you. Boxes include gender, race, economic class, sexuality, looks, religion, where you live, ability, etc. 
3. Now don’t give a care because you’re not defined by a set of attributes that society has set for you. And realize that you’re more than that number, job affiliation, and any other stereotype. You’re an amazing human being with a lot of potential. Now keep it up (and it’s okay if you mess up, just try again). 
4. Realize that it’s okay to be some of the stereotypes that society has placed on you. Embrace it and turn it into a good thing. And then tell other people to fuck off if they try to reduce you to nothing more but a stereotype and only that stereotype. 
5. Don’t reduce other people to nothing more than stereotypes. Instead, notice their humanity, their personality, what makes them them.

And now the weather:
Let It Go by James Bay, Cover by The Fu

~ Stacy N.

Read More